Gherkin Street

With the lowest birth rate in the world and a trend towards sexless marriages, professor Shakahachi from Tokyo University has studied this serious issue for modern Japan. In this In The News exclusive, Professor Shakahachi provides his insight into the cause of the problem.

“Well in my case, I'm just terribly boring,” says Professor Shakahachi. “I'm ugly too. Who would want to sleep with me?”

And for other Japanese men?

“Well, at first I thought it might be because we are so good at electronics. But sales of vibrators are actually below that of the rest of the world. I put that down to the trend towards miniaturization. Clearly a case of not understanding the target market”.

“So I wandered the streets searching for answers and then it struck me.”

“Now, I look where I am going. But as I rested in hospital, I realized something – we all look alike!”

“No wonder Japanese women don’t want to sleep with us, where is the variety?”

Professor Shakahachi’s revelation however has not been accepted by all. Rival Osaka University academics claim the sexless marriage has resulted from 18 hour work days, extreme social pressure to succeed and a propensity for Japanese men to binge drink.

“What a load of rubbish!” says Professor Shakahachi. “I study sex for 18 hours and day and when I get home I’m as randy as a stud horse.”

And binge drinking?

“The claims that excessive drinking affects erectile performance are just nasty rumors spread by those prostitutes at the end of my street.”

Whatever the cause of the problem, Professor Shakahachi believes he has the answer.

“Yes the solution is simple – more sex,” says Professor Shakahachi. “Please. I’m here most nights ….”