Gherkin Street

In The News understands that the Devil has lodged an affidavit in the House of Lords against The Almighty claiming breach of contract and seeking punitive damages.

“I'm fuming,” said Satan. “Do you know why all those Englanders don’t believe in the seven deadly sins any more?”

“Its because God has been letting people into Heaven despite them committing every crime under the sun!”

Satan is claiming that he and God had a contract as to which sins God would allow people to commit before being admitted into heaven.

“It’s illegal and He knows it!” says Satan.

Sources close to Satan, namely Condoleezza Rice, have told In The News that Satan is prepared to withdraw his lawsuit under certain conditions.

“Look, I'm a reasonable deity,” says Satan. “I am prepared to compromise.”

“God can have the six sins, I’ll keep the Greed sin but I want two new ones.”

“First, Thou shalt not engage in premarital sex.”

And the second?

“Thou shalt not be a member of the Coalition of the Willing.”

Those countries that had subsequently withdrawn from the Coalition would not be exempt either according to Satan.

“No way,” says Satan. “Its just like the first of my two new Sins, if there has been penetration, the sin has been committed!”

Having had his entire country potentially condemned to burn in Hell for all eternity doesn’t seem to bother US President George Bush though.

“Off the record, Satan and I have a special deal,” says Bush.

Unnamed sources have told In The News that Satan agreed to make George Bush the most powerful man in the world but in return Bush had to sacrifice his soul and two thirds of his brain cells.

At this stage, God and his followers have remained silent on the lawsuit having until Friday to respond.