Gherkin Street

Kelly Fitz is well known for two things, outrageous fingernail designs and a total dedication to research into the field of Aliens. Last night, as keynote speaker at the Lesbians are Not Aliens conference, In The News Weekend Edition reports on Kelly’s views as to whether Aliens have ever visited Earth:

Good evening Ladies.

As you probably know, I have spent the better part of my life researching sightings and reports of Aliens. Much like my attitude towards blue vein cheese, I started this research quite skeptical that I would find anything appetizing. However, I have to say that after all these years the evidence that Aliens have visited us throughout the ages is somewhat overwhelming.

I think I need only give one example to highlight this - enemas.

Probably a consequence of abduction and ahem, anal probing, there is a great deal of testimony that the practice of enemas was first introduced to the human race by alien beings. Not the coffee, beer and other unusual liquid types of enemas, that was just mankind at its most bizarre. The first such report of alien enema introduction dates back to the 16th century when the act was administered to a man known only as, Davide, who wrote “once perpetrated, the hideous blue creatures jiggled and flopped about, almost as if they were laughing at my expense.”

There has of course been a great deal of speculation about ancient Egypt, and the pyramids. My research attests that those mighty tombs were indeed a result of higher interstellar intelligence. It was indeed the Egyptians that came up with the idea but they originally designed the pyramids the other way around. They were having a great deal of difficulty getting them to balance on their points them until Aliens intervened.

Stonehenge. That’s another one. Its actually a crude microwave camp oven. Very effective if you get the right conditions. I’ve roasted many a leg of lamb at Stonehenge I can tell you.

The French. They weren’t originally like that. A result of a visit from particularly arrogant and style conscious aliens back in the 18th century. There is a great deal of similar conjecture about the German but I haven been able to prove this yet.

Bridges. Not the Jeff and Beau kinds but those that span rivers and ravines and such like. Before then, mankind was in a terrible pickle whenever it wanted to go somewhere. In fact, the only reason Marco Polo returned with all those spices is that he didn’t have to cross a river. Hopeless they were. Apparently it bugged one particular breed of alien so much that mankind just wasn’t progressing that they couldn’t resist the urge to intervene. And thank goodness for that. Just imagine what the world would be like today without bridges.

Yes, spine-tingling it is to think of all the things that aliens have done for us. Apart from the French, I for one am most grateful.