Gherkin Street

With the debate regarding the use of the death penalty again raging in the public arena, In The News Weekend Edition has this coverage of Derek Uta, renowned authority on the subject:

The topic of the death penalty has always been a thorny one for the public.

I think it’s got something to do with the whole Jesus crucifixion thing.

So, should we allow the death penalty?

Let me begin with whoever it was that parked in my allocated car space for tonight. You should definitely be executed. I have your number plate.

Moving on, there are some in the community that would have you believe that those who are pro the death penalty are just as bad as those who originally committed the crime. Bit different if you ask me – which is worse on the ethical scale, the rusty hammer in the kitchen or the lethal injection after a fantastic last meal?

Worse still, I have heard some go so far as to suggest that those that carry out the death sentence develop some sort of sick sexual pleasure out of it. This is not the case.

Finding a filthy, smelly, bacteria infested foot arousing is sick. But, there is nothing wrong with basking in the smell of a recently fried fiend or for that matter finding it intensely pleasurable. Nothing at all. Power, pure power. Ahh.

Let’s face it, the death penalty serves two very important social functions. First, it allows us to get rid of, what I like to call, the “convicted”. Second, and more importantly, it acts as a powerful deterrent for what I like to call, the “would-be convicted”.

I have spoken to many of those on death-row and I can tell you most of them are not that thrilled about being put to death in front of an audience. "Not good", “Not happy”. That’s what they say when I ask them. Some are even down right melancholy about their impending murder, oops, I mean sentence.

That's what is so good about the death penalty. It’s a deterrent. Although, not powerful enough in my view. We should make the method of carrying out the sentence uglier. More gruesome, I say! Imagine if we brought back those good old medieval methods. I ask you, how would you feel about being drawn and quartered? Or beheaded? We should engage the public too, we could have competitions where people could come up with new and more interesting ways of killing folk. Get a mass-murderer to hold a bear cub while we hold the mother back, that sort of thing. Zoos wouldn't mind, save a fortune on feed costs.

And, we should put their dead heads on spikes and scatter them about the city too. Preserved of course, I’m not talking about spreading disease or anything unsanitary. But just imagine, you're about to kill your wife in the supermarket when you look up to see the head of your old golfing buddy. What would you think? "Maybe I won’t hit her with this frozen chook, look what they did to poor old James. And she had it coming too".

Murderers would probably get more involved in society, attend the executions, that sort of thing. We could even get them to take part in the serving of sentences – put ads in the paper for people who are thinking of committing murder to come and help rather than do the real thing to some poor innocent. I’m sure they would enjoy that. We could even pit two death-row inmates against each other in a battle to the death, the loser dies and the winner gets a pardon or a room with a view or some such thing.

So yes, I am a believer in the death penalty. I just think we need to more creative about how we use it.

Thank you.