Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

As a society we just don’t pay enough attention to child abuse. Sure we seem to be pretty strict on the sexual stuff, not tough enough for me mind you, but we are just not dealing with the single biggest problem facing the kids of today – parents.

Nowadays parenting is all about abrogating our responsibilities to others – the school, the government, the piano teacher, the television, the dog …. the list goes on. It wasn’t that long ago that neighbourhoods used to support and help each other out when people were off the rails. Without fail priests of all denominations would soon visit the transgressors for a free meal in return for a guilt trip. Sort of like a slightly less violent version of Salem.

Support groups have go it all wrong too. The International Obesity Taskforce want nations to ban or limit junk food marketing to children to stem the global fat epidemic. As if advertising actually works.

Its time we got serious about bad parents. We, the public need to intervene. This is how I see it best working, although I welcome suggestions.

First, the government needs to send to all people of voting age a cattle-prod with a set of instructions that specify in what circumstances the prod may be used.

For example, should you see a person with a child that is under 12 and who is overweight, you should have the right to walk up to that person and give them a jolt with the cattle-prod. Of course, you may need to establish somehow that they are in fact the child’s parent but we can sort out the details later – better to zap a few too many people than let one innocent child suffer. If the child is fat then two zaps would be allowed and if the child is obese then six zaps would be the go.

I challenge the International Obesity Taskforce to convince us that their method (banning advertising, ha!) would work better than mine.

Now tell me, if you were the parent of a fat kid and had just been zapped by twenty or so responsible, caring people then you would probably chuck out the pizza you were about to serve up and reach for some vegetables. This sort of thing has been proven to work you know, ask Pavlov’s dog (just don’t ring the doorbell at his place).

So, for the child throwing a tantrum at the checkout – one zap for mum. For the kids running up and down the aisle on a plane, two zaps for each parent, six if they are watching a movie instead of actively parenting.

If you hear of a child doing badly on a test, a zap or two for the parents should see the child studying harder. Those kids that aren’t running fast enough, a zap for the parent will soon see some extra training. Parent’s of children caught staying out too late or getting drunk or having sex should get a zap or two as well. Shane Warne’s mum and dad might not like it but we cant please everyone.

The great thing is, as the children become older and reach voting age, they get to zap theirs and other parents for failings in the system. If Darwinism has taught us nothing its that we will evolve as a species – why not help things on a bit with some electricity. It wont be long before everyone is producing well-rounded, intelligent kids who weigh exactly what they are supposed to. Either that or those who are incapable of doing so will not be having any more children I promise you.

For repeat offenders the sentence can be tougher via the whereabouts on their body that we are allowed to zap them – the groin being the obvious choice. Its also worth considering this for the parents of rapists.

Mark my words, if we as a respectable and compassionate society began cattle-prodding parents who were failing to live up to acceptable standards, then it wouldn’t be long before everything was perfect. Sort of like what we are doing in Afghanistan or Iraq, only on a lesser scale.

Of course, with all the cattle-prods in circulation we would have to be very careful that they weren’t used on children. That would be just plain cruel.