Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

(*) True confessions reported so that we may each learn from the folly of others. Names have been misspelt to protect the innocent …

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

You see, in my line of work, I tend to become aware of a whole range of rather embarrassing things that my customers would really rather no-one else knew. The thing is, I quite enjoy making sure they all find out, one way or another.

What do I do? Oh, I'm a pharmacist. I see you raised your eyebrows when I told you that. Yes, most people think the same thing, there is nothing that bad that a pharmacist discovers is there?

Well, let me tell you something about people. They like nothing more than to hear about other people’s business, particularly if its not so serious that they should treat the information with respect. But for example Father, if it became known that I had been filling a prescription for Chlamydia for you then a great deal many people would be very interested in knowing that fact. Yes, even if I just made it up. What’s that Father? Oh yes, that probably is why your parish numbers are down but lets move on shall we, this is not about you.

Truth is I don’t need to make things up at all. If that young boy, lets just call him the mayor’s son, should happen to pop into my shop to buy condoms, well that doesn’t really matter does it? Well, yes, that does depend on whether the parents of the girl he is going out with might find that an interesting titbit. What’s that father? Oh yes, now that you mention it that boy is going out your daughter. Sorry about that. If it helps, he is also going out with your son.

Speaking of condoms, you know that famous boxer that lives nearby, the one who beat that “Green” fellow. Well, I have to order his condoms in specially. I didn’t know that they made them that small, but they do. Now of course, everyone else knows too. Shame they know you wear the same size.

Of course, I have circulated a list of all those customers who purchase Viagra from me. Its quite interesting reading. It probably shouldn’t be but people just seem to take an interest in those things. Yes Father, your name is on the list. I know you don’t take Viagra Father but given the Chlamydia and condom rumours I thought I would round out the picture a bit. Speaking of which, you are taking a diet drug if anyone asks.

Not all rumours are that juicy I suppose. You’d be surprised how many people find simple things like tinea of the groin interesting. That’s probably why people don’t like shaking your hand Father but I am sure it will pass. Just like the gall stones Father, you know, the ones from drinking all that altar wine. Its not my fault that everyone thinks you are addicted to “the blood of Christ”, if you get my drift. No wait a minute, yes it is.

Still, sometimes my rumours bring great sympathy too. Imagine, a man like you struggling with haemorrhoids! What with your heart condition and all. Its almost too much, particularly with your halitosis as well. Luckily, many of your flock believe your hair will grow back given the amount of hair growth product you’ve been consuming. Many might think that vain but I suppose they all know you wear expensive imported make-up anyway so I doubt it will make any difference.

What’s that Father, how can I live with myself? Well, I confess there are times when I stop to think about my sins for a while but then, after I stop smiling, I tend to sleep like a baby. Incidentally Father, so do you apparently – did you know you have been wearing an adult incontinence product for years now? Really, you didn’t know that? All your parish does. They know about your chronic flatulence too. Should they be surprised? Hardly, it’s a side effect of the Detox products you’ve been buying.

But don’t worry about me Father, I’m holding up all right. I'm not so stupid as to be caught spreading my, er, the, rumours. Its not my fault that the town gossip just happens to see all your prescriptions when she comes to pick up her vaginal thrush medication. See, admit it, its fun to discover new things about your parishioners isn’t it. Yep, she’s got thrush all right – some say its because the pews at this church are unclean. Yes, some do say that Father.

What’s that Father? Why am I telling you this when I don’t seem to be showing any signs of remorse? Well, its got something to do with confessional confidentiality. Yep, I'm only telling you because I know you cant tell anyone else.

Oh yes, one other thing Father. You know how my son hasn’t been to church since the time he came home and complained about how you made advances towards him. Well, he says hello and he hopes your terribly contagious and tragically smelly ear infection clears up. Chin up Father, keep using that cold sore cream and I'm sure we’ll see you around.