Gherkin Street

By Donna Dinger:

You know, I quite enjoyed my guest appearance last week for the website so if you don’t mind I'm going to do it again. Not only that, Red freaked out so it was quite funny seeing him trying to be nice to me in case I did. Bad luck hubby, this one is for that time you woke the entire street up at 3am after having come home drunk and screaming at the top of your lungs that “Kylie is not a real musician”. I notice you still have her Greatest Hits CD in your car.

Besides, what is Red going to do if I pay him and his gender out one more time, withhold sex? Oh no, the tyranny of being left in peace for a ten minutes.

Fact of the matter, men are far bigger drama queens than women will ever be. If Red so much as nicks himself he puts on a huge show to let us all know just how painful it was. Then, if I ask him “Does it hurt darling?” he will either get angry at me or put on his (pretend) stoic-face and deep voice with a, “Nah, its nothing.” Really? Then why are there tear marks on your face and a huge roll of unravelled bandages beside you? Why did you scream? Are you sure I cant help you with that tiny splinter?

Don’t believe me that men are drama queens? Watch what happens the next time someone scores a goal (if that’s what its called) in rugby or AFL. He will triumphantly sneer/cheer at the crowd, gesticulate in an aggressive manner and when he is mobbed by his mates he will hang his head in assumed modesty with a “It was nothing” look on his face.

You will hardly see better acting in any movie, certainly not one with Liz Hurley in it. I just don’t know why they cant celebrate like the soccer players do, with hugging and kissing . Perhaps they could take off their jerseys and run about showing everyone their flat chests? Its too gay to hug a goal scorer but its ok to bang chests together manfully or pat him on the bum? Men have no idea.

Men pretty much exaggerate everything (ok, I just did too, but it was worth it). If Red actually does something good around the house then we all get to hear about it for weeks. He will even call his mates about it:

“G’Day Max, what you up to?”

Silence.

“Oh, nothing much, just doing a bit of work around the house. You know, helping the boss out a bit - the stuff she cant handle on her own.”

Silence.

“Yeah, should be fine, see you at the pub in ten minutes.”

So what did Red do? He nailed shut the window that needed fixing. That’s right, he nailed it shut. It used to open and close. Enough said.

Actually, I need to say more. Red has a huge range of tools in his shed but the only one I've ever see him use is the hammer. Its pretty much his solution to everything that needs fixing. While I confess it worked on the neighbours cat - relax, he only threw the hammer at it and, like his urinating skills, he missed, of course - there are plenty of other examples where it has failed. Miserably. Funny how the VCR stopped working with a nail in it.

Meanwhile, I have made breakfast, got the kids ready for school, made their lunches, washed up, done three loads of washing and drying, the cleaning, the ironing, the vacuuming, the shopping and prepared dinner. The only time I stopped was for a quick coffee which was interrupted by the demand to put a bandaid on Red’s finger.

Red on the other hand has read the paper, watched the footy he taped, had a nap, sat in front of the TV aimlessly flicking from channel to channel, scratched himself about twenty times and spent up to 30 minutes in the toilet. At one point, he did manage to nail shut the window.

When he gets to the pub he will sigh in a manly way about how tired he is from “doing stuff around the house”. If anyone asks him what I did (which they wont) he will say, “All she did was sit around having coffee all day”.

For the next month or so anytime anyone comes to our house he will proudly show them his handiwork, including the four dints in the wall where he missed with the hammer (a testament to how difficult the job was). I am all for being house proud but I reckon the pizza delivery man has just about heard enough about that window. God help us if Red should actually get the mower started. Mind you, last time he fixed it with the hammer so I think we are safe.