Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Did you know that October 6 is “Walk to Work Day”? I'm all for it. Of course, I work at home. Sometimes.

But I have to say it bugs me a bit that John Howard has been so visible in his support for the occasion. “I walk thirty minutes every day.” Well whooptee do for you mate.

Can someone please explain to me how our Prime Minister has enough time to go for a walk for thirty minutes every day? Isn’t he supposed to be running the country? You know, that big floating bit we are all standing on. Shouldn’t that be a full-time job?

The people behind the Walk to Work Day thing are all about healthier living. Why? Because “each of us is experiencing an increase in work commitments and a reduction in leisure time.”

So how did we get increased work commitments and less leisure time? Oh I don’t know, something to do with John Howard’s new industrial relations laws. What would actually happen if the rest of us (me excepted) took thirty minutes off each day to walk? They’d get fired. Why? Oh I don’t know, something to do with John Howard’s new industrial relations laws

Not that I mind, of course. I'm not bad mouthing the government or anything. I'm not afraid. By the way, if you don’t hear from me ever again you know what happened. Send my body to my wife.

Besides, its pretty insensitive isn’t it, telling people to Walk to Work. What about the handicapped? How does it make those in wheelchairs feel? Will the blind find their way?

You cant tell me that being healthy is the real reason that John Howard walks every day. I suspect its something more significant than that. I don’t mind a stroll every now and then. For example, I like to stroll out on the balcony at parties. Particularly when I need to, pardon my French, “break wind”.

I’ll bet hosting dignitaries all day, nibbling on cucumber sandwiches, laughing at the opposition and chatting with Dubya re assisting in the invasion of another country that may (or may not) have WMD must mean that you build up quite a bit of gas. I suppose that a thirty minute walk a day for a good old bit of flatulence is understandable then. It doesn’t excuse it, but maybe that explains it. Come to think of it, Johnny does walk pretty fast for an old bloke. Must be wind assistance.

Of course, another reason might be that he is tunnelling out of Parliament House. Maybe he uses the walk to spread the dirt so we wont notice, just like they way they did in The Great Escape. Given little Johnny has been in office for a hundred years that tunnel must just about reach Afghanistan by now. Perhaps that is where Osama is hiding?

So who is running the country while Johnny is out gallivanting about? It cant be Costello, John would never allow it. Mark Vaile, the Deputy PM? Too obvious. Besides, he’s too busy with his trade portfolio, you know, the one where we give everything to the USA. Downer? What was I thinking. Pru? Jeanette? Maybe he lets Beazley run the country for a bit each day, just so the Opposition stays interested?

But seriously, imagine if we all went out for a thirty minute walk each day. “Oh my goodness, Indonesia is invading us – where is the army? What does that sign there say? Oh its, “Gone for a walk, back in thirty minutes. That’s ok then.” Still, you’d hardly notice any difference with Telstra. Or the Post Office. Or the RTA. Or the electricity company. Or SBS.

What if we all walked and became so much healthier then? We wouldn’t need cars so we wouldn’t care about petrol prices and John Howard gets to keep inflation under control. Aha! Perhaps we could all plant bananas on our walkies? Now we’re getting somewhere!

Maybe all this walking has something to do with a Nike contract that we don’t know about. I’ll bet it wont be long before we see John Howard dressed in some cool Nike sports attire, slamming down a Gatorade before taking his family off to McDonalds.

Walk to Work people, just do it. Besides, we have ways of making you do it and you don’t want that now do you.