Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

I don’t normally reveal conversations I have with my clients due to something we in the legal professional like to call the “Hyper-critical Oath” but I am happy in this case to make an exception. It affects us all.

The other day a young boy of perhaps 6 years old came into my office wanting to spearhead a Restriction of Trade Class Action law suit. He said his name was Peter and this is what happened:

(Milton) Well, Peter, I'm all for frivolous lawsuits provided I get paid but shouldn’t you be in school?

(Peter) I left school when I was 12 to join the world modelling circuit.

I see. Exactly how old are you?

Twenty one.

Right. And you want to launch a global Class Action because catwalk models have been rejected for being “too thin”. Why is that Peter, is your mother a model?

No, I am a model you idiot!

(Pause)

So that would be "Peta" not "Peter" then?

Yes.

And I'm guessing you were one of the models rejected because you are too thin?

No, I was rejected because my breasts weren’t large enough.

I see. Perhaps you could elucidate for me?

What? Here?

I mean, perhaps you could explain for me?

Oh right. Well, it used to be that as models in order to get on the catwalk you only had to meet one of the so-called ideal body-shape requirements – too thin, big breasts, perfect buttocks. And of course you had to sleep with the Fashion Show Organiser. Oh, and the Designer, and the Photographers and the Roadies and your Agent, of course, and …

I get the point.

Well, now they are just being ridiculous. If you don’t meet all the criteria you get sacked.

By the Fashion Show Organisers?

No, that’s just a cover. The pharmaceutical companies are the ones who revoke our modelling contracts. That’s who I want you to sue.

I don’t understand.

It’s the pharmaceutical companies that make all the real money out of modelling dummy. When Ms Josephine Average watches a fashion show inevitably the same thing happens. She tries on an outfit and when she realises she looks fat in it she gets depressed and then she heads straight for the anti-depressant pills. Even if she can fit into the outfit, she will no doubt need breast implants or at least some form of cosmetic surgery. There are a lot of people who spend a lot of time making sure the outfits are designed that way.

I always thought it was impossible for women to get into those skimpy modelling outfits.

For women yes. But prepubescent girls can wriggle into them. That’s the age the pharmaceuticals companies target.

Well I must say Peta it looks like you have a case and its refreshing to see you debunking the myth of the air-head model.

Oh, I cant take any credit for that, I paid a ghost writer to provide me with lines so I would know what to say to you.

I see. Well, I’ll get right on it.

Fantastic. I really must run, I have to catch my ship to Milan.

Ship?

Yes, it’s a boat, takes me from Sydney to Milan about four times a week while I'm waiting for my next modelling assignment. I get to ride free as long as I sleep with the captain or one of his crew.

Exactly how long does this trip take?

About thirty minutes.

And would the “ship” be yellow and green by any chance?

Why yes, how did you know?

Oh just a guess. There are similar ships for the paying public although we call them Sydney Ferries. Have a nice trip and do say hello to all the Italians in Milan for me.

Yes, I’ll do that although there aren’t many Italians there. Strange really.

Bye Peta.

Which way is out?

Over there. Through that thing that opens and closes in a swinging kind of way.

Wow, yes, I noticed that on the way in.

Its called a door.

You know, I think they have them in Milan too.