Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

There has been quite a lot of Hoo-Ha lately about several celebrities taking various “challenges” to lower their cholesterol. This has included increasing daily fibre intake and/or ingesting magical plant sterols. In other words, diarrhoea and eating grass are supposed to lower your cholesterol (not to mention social acceptability).

Now, the simple fact is that as far as risk factors are concerned, for most people, lowering their cholesterol has almost no effect on their likelihood of getting a heart attack. So, unless you are older than 55 and/or a smoker over 45, pass out the pizza.*

Unfortunately, that’s not exactly comic fodder so if you could just accept the mass media disinformation for the purposes of this article that would be great. Cheers, appreciate it.

Now, the people in the world with the lowest rate of heart disease are the Japanese, French and Italians. One can only assume that the reason the French feature is because they have no hearts. We all know that when they talk of L’Amour they mean L’Shagging.

Why is it so? They reckon its because the Japanese eat lots of raw fish and the Italians drink a lot of red wine. Of course, olive oil features there somewhere too. Garlic is also supposed to lower heart disease although this may just be because the testers assume everything is ok rather than have to smell the breath of the testees.

That reminds me, my testis smell rather a lot too but that is another matter.

Nevertheless, I've devised my own “challenge” to lower cholesterol. All you need to do is get smashed on red wine every day while eating nothing but sushi laced with olive oil and garlic. I've been following the diet religiously every day for six weeks now and I can tell you I've never felt better. I haven’t had my cholesterol checked but I just know that it is lower.

I have lost about ten kilos, admittedly from all the vomiting. You probably think that alone is reason not to follow the diet but you’d be surprised how the olive oil makes the regurgitation experience almost pleasant. Almost. At least its “smooth”. Mind you, with the sushi intake you can rent yourself out to fishermen as a berley machine. My stomach muscles are rippling from their daily workouts too.

The garlic takes a bit of getting used to but after a while you don’t really notice the smell. That’s largely because there are no people to tell you that you stink as they generally won’t come within fifty feet of you anymore. That said, I find Greek people are still friendly and forthcoming and I haven’t seen a Vampire now for days. Zombies, yes but Vampires, no.

The other adjustment needed for the diet is the amount of red wine to be consumed. They say that two glasses a day is healthy so I've tried my best to cut down. I'm down to about two bottles. They also say you need two alcohol-free days but I reckon there will be plenty of them when I'm dead. Besides, at this rate, just think of all the antioxidants I'm storing up for when I get older. That reminds me people, look out for oxidants – they are everywhere, trying to get us. Bastards.

So apart from the paranoia, I'm ok. I've found that if you drink the alcohol steadily during the day rather than all at once you don’t have problems with hangovers. Its been scientifically proven too - ever heard of a homeless person dying of a heart attack?

The only real downside to the diet is that it is expensive. Still, like I say to my gay friends, “It costs money to look this good, Darling”. That and “Stop looking at me that way.”

The only thing I need to do now is publicise my diet. So, lets see how many celebrities we can get to “take my diet challenge”. I reckon Rove has to be a good chance, he seems desperate to get in front of any camera he can find. Him and that porky straight-man that appears on the show (Peter someone). Mind you, no-one will watch if Rove does the gig. Just like his show.

The rest of Australia’s celebrities are too busy trying to eat some young kid in Papua New Guinea or something. I suppose that just leaves the cheap celebrities, a.k.a Bert Newton. I'd like to see him count down from Twenty after a week of my diet.

“Twenty … nin …, ninety, eight …burp, eighteen … ah bugger it pass me the plonk. Has anyone seen my hair?”

* Accept Red’s medical advice at your peril.