Gherkin Street

By Donna Dinger:

Hey, I'm enjoying this writing lark and God knows this website could do with a feminine touch so until such time as I stop enjoying torturing Red (possibly never), I will do my best for the fairer sex.

Put simply, men have no idea when it comes to understanding women’s emotions. Now, mea culpa, women aren’t all that good at making it easy for men to understand. There are plenty of times when an emotion overcomes me and I don’t even know why. However, if I burst into tears for “no apparent reason” perhaps its worth taking a moment to see if, in fact, there is an apparent reason.

For example, do you remember that day that was supposed to be “a family day” when we had all those chores to get done? If you’ve forgotten, that was the day you decided it would be a good time to go and buy a new barbeque and spend five hours making it given it came flat-packed. By the way, I must complement you on the fact that it works although I confess to being a bit concerned that you did not read the instructions. That and the fact that there are about fifty parts left over, including the one that has that big sign on it proclaiming “Warning, install this part first!” Fortunately, you have life insurance and have always wanted to take a ride in a rocket ship.

Anyway, on that day I did all the jobs and took all three children to their respective sports. Of course, we were running late because you decided it would also be good to get your eldest son to run to the shop to buy a paper. That would have been alright if the shop wasn’t three kilometres away and he wasn’t only 7. Anyway, after filling the car with petrol (because you ran it almost empty) I spent the next five hours running around in the 35 degree heat doing the shopping and helping out at the local community fete. Oh, and do you remember how on the way home number-two child threw up all over the other kids and me?

Well, there I was, exhausted, holding the shopping bags, covered in vomit and you said, “Did you remember to buy my beer?” I think I said something like “I'm sorry darling, I've been a bit busy.” At that point in time you, noticing that the kids had run over to the next-door-neighbours, proceeded to say to me something like “Fancy a quickie?” Well, you may recall that shortly thereafter I burst into tears? That was an “apparent reason”.

Unfortunately, I have given up all hope that men will ever evolve to the point of being able to understand women (without becoming homosexuals). However, I have come up with a possible solution that may work.

Perhaps we girls could get a whole heap of labels printed, each with a few words that express an emotion or state of mind and, when the moment is right, place one of these labels on ourselves so men could read them and know how to react?

Granted a label that says “Hot, tired, covered in vomit and not the least bit interested in a seventeen second quickie” might be a bit much. Perhaps a simple “Go away” would do the trick? In fact, that particular label, if read and obeyed by most husbands, would just about double household productivity.

There are plenty of labels that would help out. The worrying thing is I suspect if I ran the idea past some of my girlfriends we could very quickly come up with an extremely comprehensive list that we could all use.

For example, “Annoyed because you forgot our anniversary” would work. Same as, “No I don’t want a threesome.” Of course, I would love to put a sticker permanently on my back that read, “If I am asleep then, no, I am not interested in sex.” Of course, Id like one on my front that said, “Unless I am very drunk then, no, I am not interested in sex.”

I would have no trouble in wearing a sticker that said, “Just hug me without attempting to touch any erogenous zones” when I have just heard about the death of my mother. Or perhaps, “If you can read this then you are too close” for when hubby comes home stinking of booze. Or maybe even “Yes, I am upset that our romantic dinner just happens to be at a place that has a wide-screen TV on the wall.”

Then there would have to be “Any chance you could ask me how my day was (and care)?” So would, “No, I don’t need a solution, just understanding”. A label proclaiming “Don’t you dare complain about our phone bills when talking to my friends is the only way I get emotional support” would be a good one to try out, just for fun. I love that puzzled look on Red’s face. He gets it when we watch a “chick-flick”. It’s become the main reason I rent them.

Mind you, I wouldn’t mind sneaking a couple of labels on him either. Id love to put “Objects in underwear may be closer than they appear – ALL TOO OFTEN!” on the front of his jocks. The other obvious one would have to be “Contains 13 standard drinks.”

I know what you are thinking, how absurd, all these women running around with stickers on their foreheads just so they can get their husbands/boyfriends/lovers/delivery men/all of the above to understand how they are feeling. I quite agree. It’s bloody stupid. In fact, I'm not even sure my husband can read in the first place.