Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

In the news lately has been the revelation that lifeguards and swimming pool attendants have been receiving “conflict training” in an attempt to better cope with the increasing amount of violence against them and between patrons. Yep, apparently swimmers float like a butterfly and sting like a ... bee.

I suppose that is how life starts, as a competition between swimmers, but I just can’t imagine sperm being violent with each other. Similarly, it’s a bit hard to imagine a bunch of people clad only in Speedo’s slugging it out. Well, other than Greco Roman Wrestling or the Gay Mardi Gras. Actually, its pretty hard to tell those two apart. Then there is Water Polo I suppose, which is sort of a cross between soccer and violent foreplay. Well, it is for me.

Now swimming has its moments I suppose, namely the Olympics and Commonwealth Games, but it’s not exactly a great spectator sport. Its not like people regularly book themselves in for a night in front of the TV to watch people smash up and down the lanes – that’s what World’s Wildest Police Videos is for. In fact, the only other time anyone gives a hoot about swimmers is when they do something shocking or out of character – like a nude calendar or Ian Thorpe claiming he is not gay, darling. Like we care!

Perhaps a bit of violence in swimming might boost the ratings somewhat? No lane ropes for example, sort of like the start of a triathlon only the athletes are not suffering from anorexia. Or competitors could start in the same lane but at opposite ends of the pool. Would have made the Hackett/Perkins rivalry even more interesting. Who cares which one is on steroids if the other is lying, bleeding at the bottom of the pool. Why not throw a couple of sharks in the pool? We’d see a whole new level of excitement, plus faster world records. Glory for the winner, gory for the loser.

That’s why people watch sports like boxing, rugby league and curling isn’t it? Maybe women aren’t all that fussed about it but for the heathens who watch sport, a.k.a men, it really might do wonders for what sport is all about – beer sales. That and pizza. And Berocca. And Mylanta. And Bacon and Egg rolls. That said, I reckon a lot of women would enjoy seeing those rippling sportswomen cop an elbow now and again. “Not so pretty now are you?” I can hear them say. Go on admit it females, you might sneak a peek wouldn’t you? “Well, maybe just a quick look”.

Now that I think about it, there are a whole bunch of sports that could do with a bit of violence to make them watchable. Golf is just crying out for it. Plenty of golfers know how to chuck a club, how about we let them chuck them at the opposition? They could do a lance thing with the flags perhaps? “Make that putt Tiger and I’ll give you a hole-in-one all right.” Their scores might blow out a bit but it would be worth watching.

How about tennis? Might be a bit of a logistical issue for the singles players to hurt each other but there are plenty of linesmen aren’t there? Go for it Leighton - “C’mon!”

Some sports, like snooker and darts, have purpose built weapons. How about we let the players reach their full potential. “How many darts players have you maimed this year Mr world darts champion?” “One hundred and eighty!”

How about table tennis? Those bats have to be good for something, even if it’s just, “You have been a naughty boy”. Growl.

I am not a fan of Soccer (i.e. English “football”) but Id probably watch if the players were allowed to do what their fans regularly do. My understanding is the standard score-count at soccer is Team A - nil, Team B - nil, fans - 2000, knives - 4000. Would be interesting to see how the players cope with some new rules, no more “writhing” about on the ground complaining of a scuff to the knee. The corner post in the ribs would soon get more attention.

Before you write in and complain, I'm not really advocating more violence in sport, but it’s a bit ironic that we can get so worked up about poor swimming pool lane etiquette but still send troops to blow up anyone that hasn’t got weapons of mass destruction.

Of course, I am certainly not for the kids seeing violence. We’d have to make sure no sporting or other violence ended up on You Tube. The trouble is, only the kids know how to put it there in the first place.

That said, I do wonder whether someone running across the TV screen crash-tackling a contestant on Biggest Loser might not send a better message to viewers though. So perhaps a little bit of sporting biff now and again isn’t such a bad thing and to be honest, there have been times when just a hint of physical toughness in our sporting players was a good thing. Of course, that was when the Wallabies used to win games …