Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

You cannot begin to understand how hard it is to live with voices in your head. “Yes they can”. Shut up Jonas!

They are always there and while at times they can be a comfort mostly they are just annoying. “Right, lets just see how well you sleep tonight shall we Red?” Go away Nick; you keep me awake every night so why should that stop me? Malevolent bastard. He scares me. Has an evil laugh too.

That’s one of the problems, not all of the voices are “morning people” like me. Some of them really like to kick on into the night. Last week a bunch of them decided to sing songs until about 3 am. It was driving me nuts. Plus, I don’t like country music all that much.

In their defence it must be tough being a disembodied voice because it’s not like they can do anything but live vicariously through me and/or talk to the other voices there. I used to sort of feel sorry for them but now Id give anything to be rid of them. “What about me handsome?” Yes, even you Betty. “Even after I talked dirty for you like you wanted?” Er, not now, Betty, I'm trying to concentrate here. “Good luck with that, loser”. I've said it before and I’ll say it again, just shut up Jonas.

What can I do about it? Its not like you can discipline a “voice” now is it? I can’t get inside my own head and hold a hand over their mouths to keep them quiet. Doesn’t work like that. No matter what I do they just keep talking to me. I've tried all sorts of mind altering substances, most of them prescribed, but it just doesn’t help.

I don’t know how they got there and when it first began I thought it was some sort of blessing. I did everything they said. The first voice was a bloke named Michael who very convincingly told me to sell my house and put the entire amount on number 27 at the casino. When the croupier called out “double zeron” the only thing Michael said was “damn” and then started crying. It turns out Michael has a gambling problem. Some of the other voices are helping him through it though. I just wish they would do it somewhere else - it’s starting to take the fun out of punting for me too. “Sorry about that Red”. Don’t mention it Michael. Ever again.

Janette is another voice I can’t stand. She is one ultra-conservative woman so whenever I do anything remotely fun she is there telling me not to do it. “It’s a good thing too you disgusting young man!” Yes Janette, sorry Janette, I'm unworthy Janette. Prudish cow. “I heard that!” Right, sorry.

“Don’t listen to her Red, let’s go to the pub”. That’s David. He’s the exact opposite of Janette. Likes to party only I'm the one who ends up with a hangover and police ink on my fingers. It’s like having my own angel and devil on my shoulders. The only good news is that they argue so much about everything that they don’t seem to pay a lot of attention to me anymore. Thank god.

“I'm still here stinky breath!” Shut up Jonas!

Apart from Jonas "The Caustic", the one voice Id love to ditch is Confucius. I get so tired of his sayings and advice. Besides, I don’t know if it’s the real one in my head. I'm starting to have my doubts. Yesterday he told me that “Confucius say, man who drinks beer need to eat Mongolian Lamb”. Not exactly deep and meaningful. He was right though.

“Confucius say; we go to pub now.” That’s the other thing; I reckon it might just be David putting on a fake voice.

The only way to guarantee for them to all show up at once is if I ... make love. Its like having a personal cheer squad yelling instructions all the time. “Do that.” “Now do that”. “Not there you pervert”. “Put that away.” “You’re losing it, better shape up.” “Quick, to the left!” Jonas of course will be busily impugning the length of my manhood and Janette totally infuriated that I should be even considering doing what I am doing. Like I said, you cannot begin to understand how hard it is to live with voices in your head. Just imagine if someone else was present. They would think me mad!

“You are mad!” For the last time, SHUT UP JONAS!

I better go, Luke – who is the elected president of the voices - has called an extraordinary general meeting to decidewhat we are going to do this afternoon. I hate these sessions as I only get one vote. Of course, I can always do what I want and its not like the voices can stop me but they all complain so much if I do that I don’t enjoy it as much. I just hope that they don’t decide to go to another quilting meeting. Still, its Mary’s birthday so why not. I just wish she didn’t want me to get all dolled up for her – the dress is one thing but the make-up plays havoc with my skin ...