Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

The other day I couldn’t help but notice the huge sign outside a religious establishment emblazoned brazenly with “Jesus is the Answer!”

If that is in fact is the case then I confess to not realising just how boring religion must be.

Television must be a total bucket of you-know-what in Heaven. The game shows must really be terrible:

“For twenty points, who saved the world from all its sins?”
“Jesus!”
“Correct, for fifty points, who wrote Mien Kemp?”
“Jesus!”
“Correct, for one hundred points, what is the name for the length of skin sometimes removed from the penis?”
“Jesus!”
“Correct. Congratulations Mr Delahunty, you are tonight’s winner. Would you like to come back and play again tomorrow night?”
“Jesus!”
“Correct again!”

Mind you, game shows are already terrible. Still, would put a bit of a hole in the enjoyment in discovering the next winner of Australian Idol, Survivor, Amazing Race, Biggest Loser and Big Brother. “And the winner is … Jesus!”.

I wonder who did it on CSI? Jesus!

To digress, I've never quite understood shows like CSI with their remarkable DNA testing. How is it that they can tell who did what just by swabbing a cotton bud inside someone’s mouth? “Grissom, we swabbed all the suspects as you suggested and do you know who did it?” “No?” “You’ll never guess, apparently the murderer was a supreme pizza and six VBs”.

Speaking of which, when two CSIs have sex do they bring along their little torches? “I’ll set up a perimeter, you check out inside.” “Ooh, I've got fingerprints!” “Any trace of semen?” “Not yet, but can I have my torch back, there’s something here I want you to take a look at?”

Back to Jesus by the way, last Sunday I decided to test this particular religious establishment and their commitment to their advertising. During the sermon I decided to shout out, “Who wants the church to sell its possessions to help the poor and suffering?” The priest looked at me in a strange way. Next, I shouted “Who wants women priests?” The priest looked at me in an even more quizzical manner. Finally I shouted, “Who loves homosexuals just as much as heterosexuals?” The priest snapped and shouted back to me “The Devil!” I just smiled back and held up a sign that said “Jesus is the Answer”.

The next day the religious establishment took down their sign and put up a new one that said, “No lawyers!” I sued them for discrimination. I bet I know what they said when they saw the size of my damages claim - “Jesus!”