Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Not so long ago, in a weak moment, I happened to pick up one of those books that we all seem to accumulate. They are normally Christmas presents or something like that. Anyway, this particular one is “a compendium of advice and inspiration”. You know the type; it has a different saying/quote on each page. Whoever bought it obviously thinks I'm incapable of running my own life. Thanks a lot for that mum.

Anyway, I thought Id give it a try so I opened the book up to a random page. As enjoyable as it was to read all about who published the book (Penguin Books), I tried another page and this is what was written:

“Pick up the phone right now and invite someone to join you for a walk or a coffee”.

So, “bugger it” I thought, I’ll do it. I thought about it and rang someone who I knew would enjoy a walk. I was a bit surprised nevertheless when they agreed. That said, after walking about 20 kilometres together I realised this was a bad idea. Last time I ever call up Jane Saville. Still, I just slipped the innocuous phrase, “disqualified at the Olympics” into the conversation and she stopped walking and broke down in tears. I politely excused myself and reached for the phone.

The next person I invited to join me was a taxi who fortunately drove me home.

There I sat, pretty disappointed with the whole inspiration advice thing.

So, I opened the book at another random page that said:

“When was the last time you really hugged your best friend? Make amends today.”

So I did.

I'm really sorry about that misunderstanding Dave. I just didn’t realise you’d take it that way. Not only that, I didn’t realise you take it that way. Sorry I had to go so suddenly. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

The next quote was:

“Use tragedy to inspire strength and courage”.

So I thought Id try the phone thing again. Perhaps the book wasn’t that bad because just before calling I thought Id double-check by trying another random page. It said:

“When someone invites you to take part in an activity you don’t normally do, say yes.”

How’s that Dave? You just missed.

So, this time I thought Id test fate to the utmost. I picked up the phone and dialled the first numbers that popped into my head. Some bloke answered and just kept telling me that he was a rower and then kept telling me the time, every “third stroke”.

So, I decided to go for a walk alone. After a while I just went up to a place and asked the bloke who answered the door for “a coffee”. He took me in and then tried to charge me $65 for what he called, “a consultation”. That’s the trouble with a lot of Chinese doctors in this city, they just don’t understand English. He let me go when he realised I wasn’t sick. Oh and after Id bought some of that ground-up tiger penis supplement for …. ahem … medicinal purposes.

Finally I met a bloke on a park bench who not only agreed to a coffee but afterwards we went for a walk together as well. After a while we ended up in a pub and there we had a bunch of beers together. He really was a funny bloke you know – just had the ability to make you laugh just by the way he looked at you. That said, he wasn’t much good in a fight because when the bouncer got angry at us the last thing I remember before passing out from the alcohol was him being thrown out of the pub without a contest. I don’t think he was hurt. Mainly because he landed on me at the time.

I'm not sure exactly what happened after that because the next morning I woke up near the same pub he was gone. The only thing lying beside me in the gutter was a blow-up dinosaur. Did I mention I had been drinking rather a lot before I decided to go out for walk last night? Funny thing is, that dinosaur had almost the same look on its face as the bloke I drank with.

Anyway, when I got home I flicked open the book and the first thing I saw was:

“Life has many lessons, and humility is high on the list”.

Stupid book. I threw it out. I kept the dinosaur.