Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

As the presiding arbitrator, let me first congratulate you both on choosing arbitration rather than the court system for settling your neighbourly dispute. I have interviewed you both and read your statements and this is my recap.

It is not hard to see that this dispute arose with your, er how shall I say, “penchant” for nudity in the home, Mr Jones. While you may not be bothered by the sight of nudity, there are indeed quite a few people who find it offensive to be able to clearly see from their street a naked body going about their daily housework. Certainly Mrs Smith was within her rights to object although one can only imagine whether this dispute would have gotten so out of hand had she not agreed to your request to do so.

Might I suggest Mr Jones that the next time you wish to see one of your neighbours doing the vacuuming nude, perhaps a better way to ask them might not be to shout the request at 2am from their driveway while being accompanied by a bunch of drunken revellers most of whom you had just met that evening at the local pub.

Moving on the next incident, Mrs Smith, Mr Jones did make a number of requests to you to, as he puts it, “keep your god dammed Great Dane from crapping on my lawn”. While it is not normally required that a bagged sample of the offending matter be brought as evidence, had Mr Jones not done so I might have been inclined to accept your defence Mrs Smith that you do not have a dog. However, the size of the excrement coupled with the fact that you play the character of Wags the Dog for the Wiggles can only lead me to deduce that perhaps you have been wearing the dog-suit outside of normal working hours. Please desist from this behaviour.

Let me now address the matter of the non-payment for the repair of the fence dividing your two properties. Mrs Smith, it is clear that you are liable for some payment for the repair for the damage to the fence. This is particularly so given the prior fence was damaged by your rather large Range Rover. While provoked by several obscene gestures, you are indeed quite lucky that you failed in your attempt to run Mr Jones down on his own property. That reminds me, you are also liable to repair Mr Jones’ front door and living room window. You must also return Mr Jones’ television. A hit and run is one thing Mrs Smith but turning it into a ram-raid?

As to the amount of payment for the fence, I find that Mrs Smith is not liable for all the costs you incurred Mr Jones. Nor do I accept that the new fence, styled in that of a German Concentration camp complete with guard towers and adjoining shower block, is in keeping with the rest of the neighbourhood. You would be well aware Mr Jones that almost all of Mrs Smith’s relatives were victims of the Holocaust and that the sight of that “fence” would be most distressing for Mrs Smith.

Speaking of provocative Mr Jones, while it might be reprehensible and as surprising as it may seem, I can find no laws have been breached by your daily filming of yourself going to the toilet. What you do in your own home is your own business, so to speak. It is however illegal to jam all television signals and replace it with that footage. Mrs Smith has every right to complain.

Turning to your claims that Mrs Smith’s children have done considerable damage to your property, both inside and outside your home. While there may be a great deal of evidence to support your claims, I think this a matter easily solved if you simply untie and return the children. This time however, please do not throw them into the swimming pool as you did with Mrs Smith's husband, god rest his soul.

Lastly, I concede that I cannot prove either of your claims that you both have hired hit-men to, as you both put it in your written statement, “end this dispute once and for all - ha, ha, ha, ha, ha”. However, judging by the two rather loud noises I just heard, the fact that you are now both bleeding rather profusely from wounds to the head and have that quite glazed almost distant look in your eyes, I suspect this to be true.

Be that the case, I do hope you can both learn from this and do try to get along rather a bit better in the future. Thank you both of you. Next!