Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Thank you so much Mr Nettleton for inviting Antiques Roadshow to your very impressive Manor in the moors of England. In fact, I would go so far as to say that this abode is almost a castle, dating back well into the Dark Ages.

While we are wrapping up the show, as the camera is still running Id like to take a moment to complement you on some of the finest antiques I have ever had the pleasure to come across.

That broadsword for example was indeed an incredible find. The hilt, gold and jewel encrusted, was simply magnificent and as you say well designed to keep blood off the wielder of the sword. Amazing that the edge was still so sharp, a fact that our sound recordist will rue for some time given the absence of his left arm.

As we find so often on this show, seemingly ordinary objects can turn out to be of considerable value. To think that smelly old meat cleaver could be proven to be some 700 years old. My, it did make a terrible mess of my production assistant didn’t it?

Of course, some antiques are slightly more abstract. The recipe that you said has been in the family for nineteen generations is something to behold. Incredible that it could produce a liquid so like apple cider and yet be so brutally fatal. I can’t recall a time when I've ever seen someone squirm and writhe about quite so much as when you gave our young make-up artist a drink. Her face really did accurately express the agony she was feeling at the time.

I suppose the disappointment as far as antiques are concerned would have to be the garrotting device. While it is indeed a magnificent replica surely you should have known that it is of little value. After all, the some of the components still bear the brand “Ikea” and I'm fairly sure that there was little knowledge of the use of plastics in the 1500s. There can be little doubt that the device was however very effectual in garrotting as my camera-man can attest or should I say “would be able to attest” given he is now a head shorter than when he first met you.

“Would be able to attest” are also words that could be ascribed to my Producer. You may recall that he was the one you tied those rather large metal chains to and threw into that very large and quite deep barrel of rancid water. I could not help noticing that you had, rather in poor taste in my opinion, written the words “not a flotation device” on the chains. They too are not “antiques” although may find a use as “evidence” one day.

That aside, I continue to marvel at the centrepiece of your collection – “The Rack”. Absolutely exquisite and you have maintained it to perfection. I should say it could fetch an incredibly high price at auction given its age and history. I can also confirm that it is in perfect working order and to digress somewhat, that to experience first-hand the device I can assure that it is indeed very painful.

To conclude, while I really was quite excited by your invitation to visit you and your collection Mr Nettleton, having done so I am feeling some pangs of disappointment in between your torturous tightening of my thumb-screws that perhaps Antiques Roadshow might have been better off not to have come.

In fact, by your delirious laughter I can conclude that perhaps you had no real intention of showing your weapons and instruments of cruelty to the world at all. Rather, it might be more accurate to assume that your only real interest was to try out your collection on a group of innocent people.

Such a pity that you did not see fit to do otherwise.