Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

I'm very glad you came to see me Mr McDougal, not so much for the complexity of your medical condition, which I'm sure we can fix, but if you’ll forgive my frankness I'm glad you came for the fact that I will now have something interesting to say at dinner parties for quite some time.

You say you have had a migraine now for about six months and I believe you.

It is interesting that the migraine started when your lover left you and as you said, “everything was just fine and then suddenly it was over as fast as a handshake”. Its perhaps not that remarkable that shortly after that your wife left you as well. While not for me to judge perhaps you really shouldn’t have introduced them to each even though “what with their common interests you were sure they would like each other”.

Nevertheless we have established that the migraine had nothing to do with your broken jaw. To digress Mr McDougal, it never ceases to amaze me the lessons we learn in this life. There she was, your wife, not for a second thinking that one day she was just going to meet your illicit lover nor that he would be a man. Similarly, there you were, despite all those years married, never realising just how hard your wife could hit.

As for this migraine of yours, I am convinced that it is indeed related to the pains you are suffering in both shoulders and to the scrapes and bruises on your hands.

“Its like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders,” I believe you said to me. This one statement proved the key to the diagnosis. It explains all your symptoms as well as quite a few of the difficulties you have been suffering.

The drinking problem for example. I am sure we can solve that quite easily. I really cant believe how much you are spending on alcohol Mr McDougal and yet, as you say, you are drinking so little of it. A rather poor choice to choose red wine as your preferred drink though, your face is rather stained.

The clumsiness as well, another symptom of your ailment. I do rather regret offering you that cup of tea Mr McDougal and I'm very sorry it scalded you. However, once we fix your problem then it will be no more broken crockery for you.

As for the difficulty you are experiencing meeting women, well I cant guarantee that we can completely solve that for you in one go Mr McDougal but I'm sure we can make a significant advancement. First impressions are very important and I'm not sure you are doing yourself any great favours in that regard. While I agree with your decision some months ago not to shave you might want to revisit that now as your beard is rather unkempt.

Now I know migraines can be quite debilitating and Id just like to commend you Mr McDougal for your commitment to get on with your life and your ability to maintain a positive attitude. It must be very hard for you to ride public transport and such a shame that taxis wont stop for you. Still, if it hadn’t been for your love of hats then I can only imagine the terrible mental state you would be in had you not chosen to and get out and about so often. I think we might be able to solve why you seem to misplace so many of them.

Lastly, having lost all your customers despite being, by all accounts, a very good dentist before the onset of your migraine must be terrible. So, I feel it is very important for you Mr McDougal to rather quickly attain gainful employment if only for some sense of achievement. If I might make a suggestion based on my observations, perhaps you could put your amazing knowledge of footwear to some use.

One last observation Mr McDougal. Id like to point out one small thing if I may. While I admire your dedication to your Scottish ancestry, you really do need to know that not everyone finds your choice of a kilt entirely appropriate, particularly given your ailment.

With this in mind, my diagnosis therefore is rather simple. Mr McDougal your problem is purely one of perspective. Id like to point out to you that your migraine and, as you put it, “your newfound outlook on life” are both a direct consequence of the fact that you are standing on your head. Moreover it might appear that you have been doing so for quite some time.

While the cause of this ailment is rather unclear it may indeed have rather a lot to do with your decision to undergo laser eye surgery the day you introduced your wife to your gay lover. Nevertheless the cure is rather simple. That said, before I show it to you there are a couple of gentlemen from the Guinness Book of Records who would rather like to speak with you. Pop back in to see me just as soon as they are finished with you wont you?