Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

My name is Kevin and I'm an alcoholic.

It’s been very hard for me to talk about it before now but with your love and support I really feel that I have been able to come to grips with my addiction. I can honestly say that never before have I met such a wonderful group of people.

In the early days of my illness I used to seek help from other support groups. Of course, alcoholism is so cruel. What joy, there I was, thinking I had finally found people that could really help me, you know - deep down. Instead, I discovered to my horror that I hadn’t stumbled into a meeting of Nymphomaniacs who all so obviously “wanted me”. Boy those radical feminists really take offence to the smallest thing. Who would have thought they would get so violent merely at the sight of my penis? That and the fact I had smeared myself with honey.

Of course, being drunk and having a penis seem to go hand in hand. Especially when you are feeling lonely. It’s a double-edged sword though because the drinking makes you feel lonely even when you are in a room full of people playing Bingo. You can even feel lonely in a crowded lock-up after having been arrested for indecent exposure.

As for the other self-help groups I've tried, so many of them proved useless. Most of them just had no idea how to help me with my drinking problem. They just wanted my money. I will never forget what that one facilitator said to me. “Mr Arnold, perhaps you should try stop drinking quite so much.” As if that would cure me. Did about as much good as when she said, “You simply cannot participate in this Pilates for Pregnant Women class!” There was no need to get angry, I was just looking for help. Still, what would she know? Fatso!

Being an alcoholic I used to feel so aimless. Do a TAFE course to keep occupied they said. But the drink made me so confused. No wonder I couldn’t find a course that suited me. You are supposed to spit at a wine-tasting and not at quilting session. Anyone could have made that mistake. As for the massage course, I thought I was doing great until the instructor pointed out that it was the person I was massaging who was supposed to take their clothes off.

People react so differently to alcoholics too. That arty crowd loved the fact that I was prepared to pose naked for them while they painted a portrait of me. But then they got quite angry with me when I posed as if I was a fountain. I thought it was very artistic. And very relieving.

Looking back now, I see that alcoholism has played a very big part in the number of times I have found myself naked. I suppose that is nothing to be ashamed of in itself other than the fact that alcoholism was the only thing with a very big part.

I have tried to atone for my ways. I have volunteered to help the needy and not just in fulfilling my community service sentence. I pushed a kid in a wheelchair around all day until the police returned the boy to his mother. I didn’t realise it was only a shopping trolley. That explains why the kid complained so much when I reattached his colostomy bag.

Still, those underprivileged kids at the fete didn’t complain when I served them all Irish coffees with their free breakfast. I seem to recall we had a great day tearing down that old abandoned building. Anyway, I hear that they are going to rebuild the church so what is the big problem? Nice to see so many of those underprivileged kids here today as well.

What about that night I did Meals on Wheels? I had to drive around for hours till I could fill the Ute with enough old people to make it worth the effort but I got em all across town for a meal. I thought I was doing a good deed and yet I get charged with seventeen counts of abduction and driving under the influence! Silly old buggers, if they had just eaten their donor kebabs without complaining then none of the unpleasantness would have followed.

Anyway, after years of searching, finally I've found a support group who not only understands my illness but seems really keen to help me. It’s not the first time I've felt so welcome but when I sobered up just enough to discover that particular “support group” was nothing more than a Barman’s Convention I finally understood why I had to shell out so much money for their 12 step program. That and why we celebrated each new step with a drink.

But you blokes really seem to understand me and at last I feel like I can fit in. I love the way we use singing as a way to express our feelings and the “Anonymity is our spiritual foundation” philosophy is just perfect for me. I am not quite sure I really want to support England in the Ashes but you people have made me feel so welcome I'm prepared to make the sacrifice.

My name is Kevin and I'm an alcoholic. Thank you all for your love and support.