Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

As you probably have guessed by now, it is unlikely that I am going to go to Heaven. Well, I'm a slim chance if God has a very, very keen sense of humour and has the ability to see past all my unfortunate breaking of the commandments. Well, not all of them, I've still got one to go but if that bloke across the road doesn’t stop complaining to the police about my morning nude aerobics classes then I reckon I might just be capable of it.

In my afterlife defence, there is quite a bit of evidence to point to the fact the God indeed has a sense of humour. He continues to let me live for a start. Not to mention Dubbya. And Jackson. And Oprah. And Cruise. And New Zealand. And France. And Cats.

So, God being a funny bloke, I'm sure he won’t mind if I start my own religious cult.

I don’t really have a good excuse to start a cult but it sure seems like a fun thing to do. And before you scoff, it’s not that easy to come up with something that will grab the masses and yet hasn’t already been done before. For example, I deliberately got myself beaten up, stabbed and then tied to the pole thingy in my backyard until my wife pointed out that had been done before. Geese, I never realised that crucifixes were just an earlier version of the clothes-line.

Anyway, enough of my trivial blaspheming, back to the sect thing. I figure all good cults have a couple of things in common – some form of imminent salvation and some form of addictive substance that keeps the brethren coming back. The really clever religions combine those things. Oh, I nearly forgot, the cult also needs a way to relieve their followers of their money.

The trouble with a suitable salvation is that the groovy afterlife thingy has been done and it’s very hard to sell to generation X/Y/Z. Plus, the "being beamed up by aliens" thing is so kitsch. So, I have decided to go with a unique concept – happiness. Not in the ever after but the here and now. “All followers shall feel happy” is our motto. Loosely translated, that means my followers can do whatever they want. We don’t like to think of it as hedonism because that’s just too close to the Lindsay Lohan sect but its pretty close.

As for the addictive substance, well basically now that we’ve decided the motto, it seems the followers have pretty much taken care of that for me. I don’t allow any illegal stuff. Besides, the sex and alcohol seem to be sustaining enough. Well, for me anyway and that’s the only reason I started the sect in the first place.

Now, for the gimmick, er I mean logical reason to give me lots of money for your salvation. It might help if I let you in on the name of my sect. We are called the Death-Bed Recanters or DBRs.

Now I know that most followers, well, none of them, are actually on their death-beds but that’s just the point – sometimes you don’t have enough time on your death-bed to recant. Or you might forget, what with all the agonising pain and all (told you not to drink that “Diet” stuff). Plus, it’s just not fair on those who suffer accidents either, they don’t get the chance to renounce their sins, especially not having heads any more. So, my cult simply ensures that we all recant in advance.

How it works is at each weekly meeting we simply recant our sins – past, present and future, seeking forgiveness for them. Then, we accept whatever religion each of us feels offers the best shot at afterlife redemption. I simply charge a small fee to attend the meeting.

Oh, I also have various people there representing the various religions for authenticity, dressed appropriately of course. They are only actors but my followers don’t know that and it shouldn’t matter either, there is no duty of care to investigate them as mentioned in any of the religious texts. I checked on the internet. I used to have mates doing it for me but we started to lose followers when they realised the bloke impersonating the Catholics wasn’t wearing underwear. Just too close to the real thing for their liking.

If you are unable to attend the meeting then you can simply get a mail-order recantation certificate. It has a monthly expiry date so you need to keep ordering them to ensure your salvation.

Anyway, the religious gatherings (we don’t call them “whoopees” any more) are great – look for the group of people having a great time in a community hall near you and drop in. Remember the first recant is free.