Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Now the more astute readers among you may have noticed that my wife, Donna, has on more than one occasion rather viciously paid-out the male gender in these pages. You may have been wondering why I have not responded and defended the smellier sex. Obviously you have never been in a serious relationship, let alone married.

Nevertheless, I have decided to retaliate. The fact that Donna has just left for a three day shopping trip and is unlikely to see this article has nothing to do with it. No, really. Truthfully. Ok, I lied.

Actually, I am very glad she left me behind because I cant think of anything worse than going shopping with my wife. She always treats me like a child when I go shopping, even if its just window shopping. Last time she actually said to me, “Listen up Red, there are plenty of things in here that cost lots of money so don’t you dare touch anything!” It’s the last time I ever take her to a strip club.

Anyway, women are always having a go at men about sex. Ironically, men are always having a go as well but of a different sort. Let me solve this conundrum once and for all.

Researchers have found, based on a 10 year study no less, that women who had sex three times a week looked 7 to 12 years younger than their age.

This prompts two obvious conclusions. Firstly, the researchers were male. Secondly, the women who had sex three times a week for 10 years were probably mythical creatures from a planet on the other side of the galaxy. Either that or they were not married or in a serious relationship.

Id like to add just one more, ahem, personal observation that the researchers did not qualify the positive outcomes of the study based on the duration of the sexual activity. Neither did it stipulate that the partner look like George Clooney. Of course, this does not affect me but I thought Id mention it for all you less attractive blokes out there.

Now, I shudder to think how much women spend on creams, moisturisers and other magical stuff that “recaptures lost luminosity”. What about the bucks they spend on trashy magazines that tell them how to use the stuff. Then there is the day-spas and Swedish masseurs. It should come as no surprise that all the above is a gazillion dollar industry. Why? All in the search of looking younger.

Yet, there it was there staring them in the face the whole time. If only women looked down occasionally they would have noticed.

So, my mates and I are going to launch a Day-Spa that offers a whole new anti-aging system for women that guarantees in a scientifically proven way that in time they will look 7 to 12 years younger than their age. All it takes is just three visits a week and guess what, we do home delivery as well! No more hours spent in the bathroom staring at the mirror and bemoaning lost youth. And that’s just me! Imagine how good you’ll feel!

Don’t be prudish, there’s nothing to turn your nose up at. Well, except for that one mate of mine who never showers, but he assures me that some females go for that sort of thing – I think they are called “sheep”. Anyway, we have lots of different treatments available and we cater for all our patients’ individual needs. Besides, if you are squeamish then you don’t even have to watch.

Amazingly, my wife is not opposed to the new venture. That said, she doesn’t want to be a customer. She just laughed at me and said, “why do you think I have a gardener?” I never knew we had a gardener. I thought I was the gardener.

Anyway, the only thing left is to settle on the price of the treatments. I am looking to the future and I think it only fair that we make the cost very affordable. I was thinking $10 might be fair. After all, that’s a lot cheaper that the night-creams and if lots of women use the service then that will mean rather of lot of money. Besides, until I get a better job, $10 is all I can afford to pay right now.

So, roll-up roll-up ladies, get your new and proven anti-aging procedure right here. And remember, in some cases, the treatment can last as long as 17 seconds!