Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Settle down! Sit down and pay attention! The sooner we get this school assembly finished the sooner we can get back to our classrooms.

The first order of business is the new library. It’s that big green building over there. I note how very few of you have decided to actually go inside it. Why should you I suppose, it’s only got books in it. Anyway, for those of you who did find the library, would you be so kind as to return the librarian. I don’t care if you find her outdated, there was no need to rebel in quite such a manner.

Now, as for school uniforms. I remind you that while we are not required to wear uniforms, we are still required to dress appropriately. “Casual dress” does not mean “I shall wear pants if I remember”. Speaking of which, if you must wear those short skirts, please put some underwear on for heaven’s sake. And the same goes for all you ladies.

Be quiet at the back I can hardly hear myself think! Mr Green please take your hands off Ms Brown! You can attempt to make colourful children on your own time thank you very much.

Now Id like to commend you for the vigorous support you have shown Mrs Davison and her home economics classes. She certainly is a good cook however I am sad to say that we have been forced to let her go and close the classroom down. Surely you would have known that it was only a matter of time before I realised that you were making illicit dishes. The gigantic advertisements plastered around the school for a Hash Cookie Cook-off were a bit of a giveaway.

Turning to sports. I realise that not everyone enjoys sport but I really don’t think it was a good idea to introduce shooting as an alternative. The parents of the seventeen dead children will attest to that. I don’t care if they were, as you put it, “boring dickheads”. Nevertheless that reminds me that there are now several openings for the school’s chess and debating teams.

Oh do be quiet over there! Put that boom box down will you. This is not the 1980s and no-one likes MC Hammer any more!

Now as for the school fundraising efforts. While I admit that we have raised well over seven times the original target of $40,000 I do not think that the Department of Education nor the Police for that matter would appreciate that the manner of doing so.

While the Hash Cookie Sale may be in part to blame, I suspect the stand-over tactics and general violence had a great deal more to do with it. I don’t believe that we should be raising money at knifepoint people. Even if some of the children are from very wealthy familles, they do not “deserve to get fleeced for the benefit of all”.

Oh get a room Mr Green! Put that drink down Ms Cavendish! I won’t say this again, be quiet people!

Now as to the use of those fundraising proceeds, as you know we agreed that the money would be for updated school equipment. A computer for example, might be nice. However, I can see there is little hope of me dissuading you from blowing it all on a night of drunken, passion filled revelry.

Fine, so be it. It’s on your heads. Let me just say that I have never met a more irresponsible or doomed-to-failure bunch of people in my life. You are a sorry, sorry lot and I wash my hands of you. At least I would if they weren’t tied. Where is your dedication people? And you call yourselves teachers!