Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

Thank you ladies and gentlemen for letting me address the International Animal Geographic Planet annual dinner. I’m not sure I deserve the reputation as the pre-eminent nature and wildlife cameraman as bestowed upon me by your Chairman but then again, I do have 78 documentaries to my credit.

A lot of people ask me how it is I became such an experienced wildlife cameraman. Idiots! Not those that ask the question but those who employ me.

That said, I do owe a great deal to those people I worked with, especially in the early years. I am taken back to my first documentary, where I worked with the great John Silker on that three year lion documentary called “The Three Year Lion Documentary”.

Now I have never worked with another Naturist like John. Never has a man so understood his subject. He knew those lions inside and out. Tragically, that was because a lion ate him but right up until the moment he died he remained the world’s foremost lion expert.

I can still remember, even as the lion was attacking him, how he put the scientific study and the documentary ahead of his personal safety. I vividly recall him shouting to the crew to keep filming by saying, “Help me, help me!” Now if that isn’t a man dedicated to his work than who is?

I learnt a very valuable lesion from John Silker – always get someone else to identify the body. Especially if the body is mostly lion poo.

Of course, that was in the first month of the project so all in all we did suffer quite a bit of public backlash for the title of our documentary. Truth be told, we did keep filming for three years although admittedly after John’s death we spent most of the time, and development funding, filming bikini movies in the Bahamas.

That is where I learnt another valuable lesson – always wear a condom!

Oh, I also learnt how to turn just 25 minutes of largely boring footage into a 90 minute wildlife documentary. Not to mention a Television special called “When Lions Attack and Eat You.” Mind you, Peter went to jail for embezzlement and fraud but it was my foresight that ensured he got the blame while I got the credit.

Mind you, with documentaries it all comes down to who does your narration – as long as you have an interesting voice, can sound like you actually enjoy nature and end each film with the same overt “green” message then no-one will notice. Turns out it doesn’t even matter if you do a the narration in a voice-over booth in Paris, half drunk and surrounded by half the topless dancers from Moulin Rouge. By the way, how are you Sir Richard?

Of course, some people do spend years in the wilderness in cramped, hot, dangerous or generally unpleasant conditions just to get that one magical piece of footage. Its nothing more than pure love of the art of filming.

That, my dear friends, is how I have endured so long in this business. Put simply, I get someone else to do it. Either that or download footage off the internet or poach it from a competitor.

I occasionally get my hands dirty and actually film something. You would nevertheless be surprised at how often footage of my backyard has been used in films.

Well, that and the nature diorama I bought at Toys R Us. My fellow school mates laughed at me when I bought it but look at me now! A good camera angle, a fan, a sprinkle of water and some of those little plastic animal figurines I bought at the zoo and whammo – nature documentary about the Serengeti!

Not that I’ve ever been to the Serengeti but I’m sure it looks something like my diorama. So do thousand of my viewers too!

Anyway, must go, I have to spend … er use the development funding for my next project -this ones about the artic fox. I look forward to shooting it out of my chalet at Whistler-Blackcomb – when I’m not skiing that is!