Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to witness the marriage of this man, Peter, to this woman, Linda.

Never before have I seen a couple so much in love. In fact, I cant recall a marriage between to people who are so obviously close, except perhaps for that shotgun wedding I presided over where the couple had used super glue instead of lubricant.

Nevertheless, we all set out upon marriage with the same hope for everlasting happiness. But, I caution you, if we do not nurture our relationship then things can go awry. Too often have I seen an unhappy wife and an incredibly miserable husband. Every time I see her or look in a mirror, as a matter of fact.

So, lets get the two biggest problems out in the open. The first issue to overcome is sex. To be more accurate, the wife withholding sex. I have often seen how a woman will withhold sex as a form of power, just to exert her will over a man. There is nothing more infuriating for a man. Its even frustrating for a priest. And as I can personally attest, sex doesn’t even have to be withheld by your wife to be upsetting.

By the way, thank you very much Mrs Huxley for arranging the music today. I'm very sorry about the misunderstanding, I thought you meant something else when you met me privately to discuss your talented “organ playing”.

In any case, I can see how in this marriage between Peter and Linda the withholding of sex is unlikely to be a major issue - as most of Peter’s fellow rugby players will be keen to attest. Not to mention Linda’s tennis coach. Don’t look so shocked Peter, I'm sure those indiscretions are a thing of the past. Well, two days and counting eh Linda?

Now the other great problem facing most marriages is none other than the devil’s drink. And I'm not just talking about XXXX, all alcohol falls into this category.

Too often I have seen a marriage ruined by the husband drinking too much with his mates. Or even alone for that matter, if only to get away from the wretch.

I caution you Peter that you will see nothing but ill times if you persist in drinking to excess while married. You may find that the sweet caress and numbness initially dulls the pain of a fat, ugly and incessantly nagging cow but after time you will not even find solace in altar wine … er … I mean “wine”.

So Peter, leave the booze to lesser men. Right now in fact. Put down the bottle of rum. And the other one. Now take off the hat with beer cans and tubes to your mouth. Good.

Besides, as they say Peter, in vino veritas. Perhaps you really should contemplate the meaning of that phrase. Especially as you have been fondling your best man’s backside for most of the ceremony. Incidentally, so has Linda.

Nevertheless Peter and Linda, may your union be fulsome and enjoyable. I sincerely hope you stay as long together as your parents, although I do not recommend you adopt swinging as a way of keeping your marriage interesting. It has certainly interrupted this ceremony, what with each of your parents running off with someone from the bridal party. Not to mention Mrs Huxley.

So you two, may you find happiness together. Remember, you have committed to each other “until death you do part”, oh may that come swiftly to some of us. Or at the very least her. Id really hate to see you suffer the long torment of a loveless, bitter and cruel marriage. Mind you, we could always do with another Anglican Priest.

In any case, I now pronounce you man and wife. Peter, you may now kiss the bride, right after you stop throwing up and just as soon as Linda is back from the Confessional box with my Apprentice.