Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

Many of you may not know this, and thankfully so, but I move in circles most of you could never dream to even aspire to – that of “celebrity”.

Now you will not see my photo in drossy magazines or find me on a red-carpet premiere because that is how I wish it to be and so it is. Such is my power. You, the great unwashed, will probably never even know what I look like.

However, if you are rich and/or famous, then you know who I am. For I regularly rub shoulders with some of this nation’s elite - not to mention a few of the mega international stars as well. Its just something we like to do – rub shoulders. We tried rubbing kneecaps but it just didn’t work out, especially with Nicole Kidman having so much fat on hers.

Of course, we will have to revisit the whole rub shoulders as our form of secret handshake. For a start, many of the celebrities are too stupid to know what a shoulder is. Many think it resides somewhere near their groin.

Of course, being a lawyer, I met many of our famous by representing them. Some might even say, “defending” them. That is true. However, whether it was my eloquence, hawkish beauty or the fact that I took my payment directly out of their unjust and obscene defamation payouts without them knowing, I have become as one with the jet-set.

As a consequence, I am now allowed into their inner sanctum. I admit that is not saying much for the likes of Paris Hilton but there are plenty of other celebrities with slightly higher standards, not to mention underwear.

Unfortunately, the great problem I have discovered is that so many of our celebrities are just not much fun to hang around with. No doubt you want an example. Well, Michael Hutchence is one.

Russel - or “Over Actor” - to his mates isn’t a great barrel of laughs either. His gradual fall from grace is very hard to watch. First he thought he could box but turns out he couldn’t hit anything that moved. So, naturally he tried throwing phones instead of punches. Now, he has realised that if he really wasn’t to hurt someone he need only have his band play. That’s why he bough the South Sydney rugby league team, just so he can sing the national anthem at each game.

But at least he is “real”. Mind you, it’s a sad day when the “toughest” celebrity Australia can muster is Bert Newton’s son.

Most of the other celebrities are so concerned with their image that they are forever jumping into bed with anyone that might be able to improve their image. As their lawyer, I always ensure that I vet not only their sexual partners but also their sexual techniques. For that I am eternally grateful.

But its not all strawberries and cream I can tell you. Some celebrities like to have sex the old fashioned way, sans food.

But fame and fate are so often entwined, much like the celebrities themselves. Its very important that I keep abreast of who is on the up and who is on the way down, and not just in the bedroom either.

Of course, there will always be those who remain above it all. Those celebrities whose grace, poise and elegance will always ensure that they never stoop to some of the vulgarities that so many of their peers do. Those who will forever remain in our hearts due to their inner beauty. Celebrities like Princess Di, Audrey Hepburn and Basil Brush.

However, as a lawyer, these people have absolutely no interest to me. Thankfully, in this great country of ours known as Australia, so very few celebrities fall into that category. Long may it prevail.