Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

A lot of people often ask me about reincarnation. Well ok, it’s just the one person who keeps on asking me. He may well be no more than a crazy homeless man but I'm pretty sure that I will be one too one day so I thought Id explain it for him (and you).

Of course, he hasn’t got the internet so I’ll print out a copy that I’ll give him next time I see him. If you are still worried, if he can’t read then I’ll do that for him as well. If however he asks me to perform a sex act then I'm sorry, my charity is not boundless.

Once and for all, reincarnation is true. How do I know (you unbeliever)?

Well, last time around there was some sort of mix up and my memories from previous lives were not temporarily put on hold for this life. I don’t remember who was at fault but he wears white a lot and has wings, which is something yo don’t see every day, unless you are dead.

Anyway, as a result my past lives are as clear as day to me. Ironically, this life is rarely as clear as day to me. It has been sometimes, especially on clear days, but not very often.

I’ll bet there are at least two questions on your mind right now. “Has Red finally gone insane?” and “What were his past lives?” You may also want to know why I am wearing a bra but that is another matter entirely (plus it matches the women’s underwear I also have on).

The first life I had was in Roman times. I don’t want to give away too much but you may have heard about a bloke who went around telling everyone he was the Son of God and ended up getting nailed to a cross?

Well, I was the tree from which they cut the cross. I can tell you, being strung out for three days might be bad but you try getting hacked down with an axe. No wonder they call it a cross – I was furious. I had a great view of Jerusalem and all the best looking birds used to come and sit in my branches. Still, he was a nice bloke. Said some very nice things about me. Loved the smell of cedar Jesus did. Little known fact.

That’s the thing about reincarnation, you don’t always get to be a human. There are only so many souls and those of us in human bodies got to eat so the rest of those that choose to be reincarnated have to be animals or plants.

That’s why we have extinction of the species. After a while, people get jack of being reincarnated as animals and they just decide to stay on in the afterlife. Of course, there are the mandatory reincarnations for sins committed as a human so I expect to be here about 700 more times.

Most of the time you never really notice. I have spent quite a few lives as “dumb animals”; sheep, cows, dugongs, catwalk models, etc. Most of the time you just stare blankly not thinking much. Unfortunately that means you find yourself singing a lot of Boy Band songs but that’s rebirth for you.

Mind you, I was present at the Battle of Hastings. Saw the whole thing. Even took part in the victory celebrations. Not that I remember them, after all, I was being eaten at the time. Still, I was grain fed so I must have been tasty.

As for my past human lives, well there is not much to speak of. They sent me back to pay for my gluttony as Henry VIII so I came back as a starving human. Still, I got the last laugh as they were forced to reward me for how I handled the punishment. I can’t say too much but let’s just say my name rhymed with “Ghandi”.

Anyway, that’s why I have the beautiful wife and kids I do now. Mind you, they must have been complete bastards in past lives to get me but that’s the way it goes. Same goes for the homeless man come to think of it. Maybe I won’t read this to him after all. At least being a cow in the next life means PETA become worth listening to ….