Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

Ladies and gentlemen thank you so much for attending this lecture where I will present the results of our controversial four year Peruvian study into the life of Callithrix Pygmaea, or the pigmy marmoset.

One of the interesting things about this study was that it was the only study to have been conducted by two married couples, all scientists. Those scientists being my beloved wife, Jackie and the renowned pairing of David and Leslie Portman.

At the outset id like to say that it would be hard to find two people more passionate about pigmy marmosets than was the case in this study. My wife really does love them. Amazingly, David Portman soon fell madly in love with the little blighters as well.

So, to be brutally fair, for the results of this study we really do have to thank the countless hours of observations conducted by my wife and David. It’s a thankless task and it really can be very uncomfortable wedged tightly together in an observation burrow staring out at the marmosets, watching their every move.

Now one of the criticisms of my study has been the lack of written observations taken during those long sessions. One scientist wrote “one can only wonder what David Portman and Jackie Lawrence were up to instead of making notes”. This I feel is very unfair. Both David and Jackie on return from their sessions were clearly exhausted from each day’s hard work but would they let another remember of the team take the next day’s shift? No! Such was their dedication to this project.

David and Jackie would welcome absolutely any opportunity to observe the pigmy marmosets, especially at night. They practically insisted that Leslie and I remain at camp to keep an accurate record of all the findings.

Not that they were very successful in bringing back much for us to work with, such is the nature of the elusive creatures we were studying. Why David and Jackie tried almost everywhere in Peru to find them. I’ll admit the beach was an unlikely place to find them but they paid the price by coming back so sunburnt. Why, my wife was burnt almost everywhere on her body. So was David come to think of it.

Then there was the time that Leslie and I decided to surprise our companions. I can tell you that it was a pleasure to see such dedicated scientists at work. You know, David and Jackie were really trying to bond with the animals. They had removed most of their clothes just so the little marmosets wouldn’t be scared off by the scent of cotton. Its such a shame that the animals had run off just as Leslie and I arrived, I really would have liked to see them.

I’ll admit that at times it was very frustrating being stuck at camp while David and Jackie worked so hard for so little tangible evidence of scientific use. But they soldiered on every day, joyfully in fact. Leslie took it very hard. Mind you, her husband is a very attractive man and she was forced to stay with me. Many have said my wife is quite beautiful as well but I was content in the knowledge she was doing what she loved. To be so ably assisted by a man who seemed equally as inspired was quite remarkable.

If it wasn’t for Jackie and David we really would never have learnt the startling facts about Callithrix Pygmaea we now know today. Before this study no-one would have believed how dangerous they could be when attacking in an angry mob not one but two, much larger primates.

Admittedly my wife and David Portman were badly injured at the time but still if I hadn’t seen the footage of the marmosets attacking, killing and eating David and Jackie then I would never have believed it.

Of course, some scientists have questioned how David and Jackie came to be injured by what looked to be machete wounds. Others have pointed to the fact that they were naked. Still others have questioned how Leslie managed to get the camera footage and yet survive or why it sounded like she was laughing at the time of the attack.

Those are all good questions but unfair in light of the memory of two good scientists who discovered an amazing fact about their passion, the pigmy marmoset. Its almost poetic that they should end up as marmoset faeces. Nevertheless, just like Leslie, I am very thankful for their effort and dedication, and also their life insurance.