Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

There has been a great deal of focus on greenhouse gases but as usual the major culprits will go unpunished. For it is well known that the biggest contributor to the greenhouse effect is not coal-fired power stations or V8 super cars but flatulence.

Not just from politicians either (and in their case, it comes from both ends). My friend’s grandmother is single-handedly responsible for the drought over at least a third of the State.

But they all pale in comparison to the biggest polluters – livestock.

Yep, cow flatulence is the problem. So what are we going to do about it?

There are a couple of obvious thoughts that spring to mind.

Corks could be the answer. Pretty obvious. There would have to be some sort of additional safety device fitted as well (string perhaps?) so people all over the world don’t start getting shot to death by cows – after all, its always been the other way around, why change now.

That could also provide jobs for the unemployed. There really are a lot of cows in the world. Besides, what would you rather be, unemployed or roaming the countryside fitting corks to cows backsides? Talk about a boost in self-esteem.

“What do you do?”
“Put corks in cows’ bottoms.”
“Wow.”
“What do you do?”
“Same sort of thing, except I am a New Zealander so we have a different technique.”
“Get away from me you filthy man.”

Now don’t get all high and mighty as I'm sure we could come up with a design that is safe for the cow and hygienic enough to be fitted by unskilled labour. I am aware of some of the earlier tests on cow-bum corks failed when the cows began to float away but they all came back down to earth again. Eventually. If they hadn’t then the all-beef patty wouldn’t have been invented.

Anyway, there are other options ... we could just eat the cows. Once and for all.

I suppose the other thing we could do is rely on science. There must be a nasal delivery technology that can help. Surely there is a chemical solution available that we can administer to cows. After all, we have all those huge scientific factories with their belching smoke-stacks – there must be something inside there that can help.

It really is a difficult problem. Plus we have all the other issues that cause greenhouse gas. At the end of the day, we are just going to have to face reality and face the problem head on.

The answer is really quite simple. We do away with cars and ride cows instead.

No more major funding for roads required. No more traffic jams. No more need for petrol, other than to get the BBQ started when your cow dies or is no longer under warranty (or you are just feeling peckish).

A decent cow only costs a couple of thousand dollars. That leaves a lot of money left over for optional accessories – like a portable air-conditioner unit or a DVD unit for the kids in the back.

Larger families can easily rope a couple together if they need the space.

Some cows even come with bull-bars, for the safety conscious or for those looking for somewhere to hang their furry dice.

The only drama seems to be how to best fit a numberplate but if science cant solve that for us then I’d be very surprised. Besides, we’d save a fortune on third-party insurance and registration.

Hardly any problems when it comes to being roadworthy either - “Yep, four legs, she’s right to go. You might need to look at the back left leg soon, looks a little worn. I recommend you slow-cook it and serve it with a rich gravy.”

The only physical hassle would be the reallocation of cow manure from the bush to the city. Mind you, that would be far easy to clean up than the mountain of cow-shi … er, flatulence we get from politicians. Better for the garden too ….