Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

Ok, so let me get this straight. You came to me some time ago to draft a prenuptial agreement for your intended spouse and things aren’t working out so you want to see what recourse you have? Fine by me, I'm just a lawyer – your wish is my command.

Lets recap your document shall we. Its been signed by both parties so we should have no problems getting it upheld. For future reference, you don’t normally need to sign in blood as ink is just as legally binding.

First you stipulated, ahem, shall we call it “access”. You wanted unfettered access to your “target”, sorry that should read “spouse”, whenever you want. I'm not sure we should use the terms you have suggested, being “rape and pillage”, but the other party reluctantly agreed I recall.

That’s right, you also wanted a bunch of your mates to be able to join in the party as well. “Whenever they wanted” I believe you said.

So has your spouse abided by those terms? She has. “She had no goddamn choice”, you laughingly say. Well, we cant get her there then.

Now, as I recall you also wanted your spouse to renounce all former boyfriends and never to see them again.

Did she do that?

You had some “boys with no necks” who took care of that, you say.

Was that really necessary? You think so. They weren’t very nice, you reckon. Ok, we’ll just have to trust your judgement on that shall we.

Ok, what other terms did you place on her? Ah, there is this one, you said she must have like a reasonable person and hold the ideologies you hold dear. Even though she has quite a different upbringing to you.

Did she do that?

She is trying you say. But she is having trouble making up her mind as she is being exposed to lots of people with varying viewpoints to yours.

You don’t like that do you. Trouble is, there is nothing in your pre-nup that covers her being courted by other suitors. Well, I know that upsets you but there is not a lot we can do about it. Not unless she breaks a term of your agreement.

So is the real problem not enough access to her assets? She has withheld her wealth from you?

Not that either, eh. You have been able to take whatever you want. Ok, cant get her there.

So I'm struggling a bit here, what is the real problem?

Ah I see, you are getting a lot of pressure from the parents eh? They don’t like the fact that you spending so much time with her. They think she is a lost cause eh? Not good enough for you. I seem to recall a lot of people weren’t that keen on your union. No matter, they aren’t important. What did you call them again? That’s right – “duped voters”. Hilarious!

Your mates are losing interest too eh? Well I really don’t need to know that they are all “pulling out”, what happens behind closed doors is your business. Still, most of them will do what you want them to, eh? I just love the way they pretend they have any say in this! They’ll get over it I'm sure.

Well, I'm sorry George, I think there’s not much I can do. Divorce is never pretty and it would be fanciful to expect the other party to be thrilled about it either.

You do get to keep your assets, less what you’ve spent on her. Billions you say. Pity about that. Oh well. At least you have all those detainees at Guantanamo to play with.

Look, there is a nice little filly just next door. Iran, they call her. She looks pretty good. How would you feel about her? She might be feisty but doesn’t look like posing the same problems North Korea does.

What do you say? Not sure you’ll have time before your parents take your keys to the T-Bird away. Bummer. Just make sure you pay my bill on the way out, will you.