Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Welcome and thank you for visiting us here at the Berkeley Home for the Elderly and Infirm. We are sure we can offer you everything you want for your aging father so lets begin the guided tour so you can see for yourself.

Now in this first room you’ll find Mr McDougall. Yes, that’s right, he does appear to be handcuffed to his wheelchair. You probably think that is a little odd but here at Berkeley we strive to find innovative solutions to the many problems that our customers, the elderly and infirm, must endure.

Mr McDougall has a unique problem. He thinks he is a Hairy Highlander. By that I mean he wants to play the bagpipes all the time. You might be able to hear him humming a tune under the gaffer tape over his mouth. The trouble is, Mr McDougall really is a very bad bagpipe player.

I say this for two reasons. Firstly, he does not have a set of bagpipes. Secondly, the closest thing he has to a set of bagpipes is his colostomy bag. Now I can assure, no matter how hard Mr McDougall squeezed his colostomy bag or blew into the various tubes coming out of the same, he really wasn’t able to produce a very appealing sound at all. Plus he tends to redecorate large sections of his room with urine. The urine he didn’t accidentally swallow that is.

As you can see, he is very happy there in his gag and handcuffs. The struggling, red face and beads of sweat are merely signs of a man who is now content.

Shall we move on. Ah, yes, Mrs Davidson. Yes, it certainly does appear that Mrs Davidson is sitting in a kerosene bath in direct contravention of any number of palliative care rules. However in this case I think you’ll find that you are in fact witnessing an excellent example of an alternative therapy, one that suits both the customer and the institution.

You see, Mrs Davidson has been trying to give up smoking for years now. Her breath really was terrible I can assure you. But, the dear has not touched a cigarette for three months now. The rope around her ankle tied to the bath has seen to that. Its so nice to see an elderly woman taking steps so that she may live a longer and more fulfilling life.

Of course, no one comes near her because of the smell, or the flammable risk, but that’s her decision. In case you are wondering, I have this Deed of Release her clearly signed by “a Mrs Davidson”. Thankfully its very difficult to prove that anyone but her signed it, even if it looks like my handwriting.

Ah, next we have Mr Target. Now as you probably know some elderly people tend to lose their inhibitions somewhat and Mr Target is one of those. He really was quite a handful for the nurses. That, and the fact that he is exceedingly rich meant I had to remove them from him.

To control his sexual urges - without medicine – we have tried a number of techniques. The first was to superglue some sandpaper to his hands so that his touch would not be well received by the objects of his affections. Unfortunately, we soon discovered that he was often the subject of his own affections and we had a terrible time curing the nasty rash he gave himself. While it did put a temporary halt to his urges we just thought that perhaps we might be able to find a better treatment. Plus he kept bleeding on the sheets.

Now, we have had a great deal of success with the weights you see tied to his wrists. Yes, they are ordinary household irons, thank you for asking. But you will see we have removed the power cords. Something we learnt the hard way when he scalded his face trying to answer the phone. Nevertheless, we are proud to say that now he hardly touches himself and since he knocked unconscious the first few nurses he made advances on he has largely become a joy to look after.

Yes he does look very unhappy and quite edgy but that is just sexual frustration. It will pass. When he does.

Now in this next room you will see a woman who has lots of raw meat strapped to her body. I agree, it’s not a pretty sight. No, there is no treatment being offered its just that nobody much likes Mrs Shaw and she’s just been prattling on about how she hates the food here and wants to be a vegetarian that we all thought it would be the best way to shut her up. As you can see, now she merely whimpers and moans occasionally. When she is not throwing up of course.

You’ve seen enough and want to go? We do have plenty of more interesting patients to see if you want to? No? Ok. When can we expect to see your father joining us? Tomorrow. Oh good. He is often incontinent you say? No problems, we have some interesting ideas about dealing with that we’d love to discuss with you. If you’d just sign this Deed of Release. Lovely.