Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Dear God,

Its me, your humble servant, Panthera Leo.

Seeing as how you are all powerful I thought you might be able to look into a few issues I have. Nothing too major but its been quite a while now since the Garden of Eden incident when I ate the first three humanoids you created before Adam. Bit of a bummer that I admit, the second one you made was a cracker. You really did get sloppy after that didn’t you?

Anyway, first things first. I am universally known as the “King of the Jungle”. Hello! I don’t live in a jungle for heaven’s sake. How would you like it if you were refereed to as the King of Hell?

Incidentally, they do say that your son sits on your right hand. It must be very numb by now. Was that another super glue incident like the trunk on the elephant?

Anyway, any chance of a name change for me? I was thinking King Of Shagging? After all, I do get to have sex every 30 minutes for three days straight. Sort of like Ian Thorpe and Anthony Calea except for the straight bit.

But its more than just the name, God. You made a couple of design faults as well. Don’t go and blame the theory of evolution, I know you were drinking the night you made me. What’s with all this hair? I look like the animal equivalent of Donald Trump.

Anyway, while I understand the rationale of “boundaries” for keeping us lions apart did you have to make me urinate to mark my territory? Do you know how annoying that is? I have a bladder the size of a man with prostate cancer and I have to drink more than an anorexic. I think the humans call them triathletes.

Plus, the urine stinks – almost as much as the triathletes. I know that was the idea but the humans get to build fences but I have to pee on every second tree? Fair go. Some of your trees have thorns you know.

That’s another thing. While it is nice to have these mighty paws and razor sharp claws did you really stop any think about what it would be like to create an animal that cant scratch without slicing itself open? I feel like Edward Scissorhands!

I know you made a mistake with the humans masturbating all the time but there had to be a better solution than claws. If I retract them I get nothing but a raspy pad to flop against myself when I get itchy. Hardly effective, God. It’s not like I have to lie on the grass and dirt now is it? Its not like there are many insects here on the Savannah either eh? I’m not asking for opposable thumbs but some sort of fly swatting device have been nice.

Don’t give me that, “You’ve got a tail for that” argument either. Its attached to my arse for goodness sake. Id like to see you try hitting a gnat that’s buzzing around your ears by flexing your buttock muscles. I nearly lost an eye last time I tried that.

And what was with the coat? Run out of colours other than yellow? Its not like it really matters when I’m stalking now does it? Geese, a splash of red or purple might have been nice. Not that I want to look like one of those monkeys with the red bums (that will teach them for nicking your breakfast bananas eh?) but just hint of variation would be good.

Speaking of which, I’m prepared to accept that I have to hunt and kill my food but any chance you could make some of the animals I eat a bit slower? It cant be good for you to eat after having sprinted your guts out for fifteen minutes. The humans get a Gatorade after exercise, not half a gazelle.

But you had your little joke with me, didn’t you? Everyone knows I choke my prey to death. I admit there is little more I enjoy than crushing a windpipe in my mighty jaws but you had to torment me about it didn’t you by putting the animal with the longest neck out of my reach. I hate those giraffes. If there really is a heaven then giraffes will have daschund legs.

Just to finish off God, its not like I’m totally unhappy but if you wouldn’t mind turning your mind to helping me out when you aren’t too busy sorting out the A Current Affair and Today Tonight war.

Any chance you could slip me a couple of mod-cons? An umbrella might be nice. So would a rifle. A condiment would be ok, even if it was just salt.

In fact, I’d settle for a bit of bling. I walk around all day without underwear and get photographed all the time but do I have any gold or diamonds to show for it? Yes, I suppose I don’t have to visit Rehab either but as the King of Shagging it might be nice to have something stylish to show for it. A broach would do.

Anyway, must go. I really need to pee.

Everlastingly yours, Panthera Leo.