Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

This is it men, its time. Like our forefathers at Gallipoli, its time for us to go over the wall.

I wont sugar coat it men, its looking grim. The enemy has us hopelessly outnumbered and outgunned. I doubt any of us will survive. The best we can hope for is a quick death. At least we will be able to show our true colours. Its just lucky those colours are red and white because there will probably be a lot of blood.

Now I’m as disheartened as the rest of you. I don’t know how it came to this. We should have been trumpeting a glorious victory but instead, thanks to some clerical error by those fools at HQ, we find ourselves here with no option but to face the inevitable.

I’m glad we all agreed to go out fighting. Yes, we could have sat here and waited for the mortar attack but I’m to proud to join you in one last charge. In fact, its our first charge too.

Now the moment we get over that wall its gong to be frantic. Thankfully, Mr Townsville on drums has agreed to a beat that will stir our hearts and give our legs the speed we need to make the enemy lines. I know those are tired legs, men but they will only need to make this one last charge.

We will go over the wall in the standard, two-line formation.

Would those of you who do get shot on the way be kind enough to fall out of the way of those coming behind you. I’m sure you will all agree that its hard enough as it is without having to worry about tripping over the man in front of you.

Those of you who do make it to the enemy line may attack at will. There’s no point holding back men, give it all you’ve got.

Perhaps we could use the example set by Mrs Davis who fought off that man who broke into her home before we got the call up to tour here. Now I know she had to buy a new clarinet, not so much from the damage of hitting the burglar over the head with it but where she inserted it afterwards.

I’m glad to have her with us.

Those of you with heavier weapons will be our only hope of inflicting any damage on the enemy. We will put you at the back of the lines in the hope we can shield you long enough to make it across the field.

That’s a tough call for the rest of you but I’m sure you understand. I mean, its not like you can do much with your Triangle Mr Roberts. I don’t think anyone ever died from a “terrible ringing in the ears”.

The same goes for those of you with castanets. You have a better chance of catching your own fingers in those damn things than hurting the enemy soldiers.

I’m sure you all want to know what song we are going to play while on the charge. In third place with 1 vote is, “When the Saints Go Marching In”. Thank you for that Beryl, I would have thought you’d have realised that we are sick of that song by now.

Second place went to, “Star Wars” with 5 votes. First place with 16 votes went to a song that I cannot believe I am going to meet my death to. Oh well, majority rules, “Louie Louie” it is. How poignant - “Oh boy I said away I go now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah”.

What happened to Royal Britannia or God Save the Queen I ask you? I thought you were a proper marching band for heaven’s sake.

Whatever men, its time. I ask you to serve your country and be remembered well. Hopefully our example will ensure that this sort of mix-up never happens again.

Do me proud me. Do yourselves proud. Its hard to think of a better time to recall our motto, “Blood and Fire”. Never forget men, we are the Salvos.

Charge!