Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Gentlemen, gentlemen, settle down!

Now I know you are all anxious to get started on your suicide-bombing careers but please be patient or you’ll become one instead of a martyr. A patient that is.

Now, I’ve inspected your chosen suicide devices however I think a few of you may have not quite understood the concept of suicide bombing. Perhaps some more thought might be needed. Yes, its important that you kill yourself but you are also supposed to take infidels with you when you die. You can chose whatever weapon you like but remember it has to achieve your goal of a glorious death for you and as many infidels as possible.

Johnson, for example, has completely missed the point. He has chosen a rope as his suicide bombing weapon of choice. While he has successfully demonstrated that a rope is effective in taking his own life, the most damage he will likely do to a heretic is if his feet bump into their head. Even if the wind blows a great deal at worst they will only get a nasty bump. Its a bit conspicuous too. Will somebody cut him down please.

Similarly, Mikael has chosen bottle of sleeping pills. A little more thought and you may have realised that there are not enough pills in that bottle for two of you, let alone the sort of mass martyrdom we are hoping for. Besides, you may remember that we talked about the element of surprise. Its very hard to do that while asking your chosen infidels to “Please swallow these pills” - even if you offer them a refreshing beverage at the time.

Please all take a look at Barton for me. He has wrapping himself in balloons. This is hardly going to work, even though he has used so many. Yes, they may go “pop” when detonated but we are looking for something a little louder. Perhaps with a bit more destructive too. And less colourful.

Now a lot of you are wearing plastic explosives. That is good. Davis over there however has put them only in his shoes. That is a great way to conceal the device but it has its problems. Without enough explosives all you will achieve is a reduction of height for yourself. I can see Davis has thought of this but I ask you, who wants to die looking like this? Please take off the clown shoes and think of something else.

I like the way that Peters here has concealed his explosives but moulding them into a certain shape and packing them into his underwear is a bit conceited. No one will buy that sort of disguise these days. Besides, you want to make damn sure you have enough explosives in there or all the vestal virgins in the world wont be of any use to you at all.

Now if we take a look at Jackson here we can see an excellent choice of explosive device both in quantity and quality. However, the fact that he has mounted it on a catapult suggests he may feel a bit tentative about the whole “suicide” concept. You will need to be standing a lot closer to your explosive device when it detonates or you wont get to Paradise. You’ll be alive though.

Now Campbell here has done almost everything right. He has selected a great deal of plastic explosives and moulded them to his body. However he has decided to conceal them under a “The Biggest Loser” t-shirt. I’m guessing he intends to smuggle himself onto the set of the TV series and detonate his weapon there. It’s a good idea Campbell but unfortunately that show died years ago.

The same goes for you McCormack. You can take off your “Rove Live” t-shirt.

Now last we have good old Cornell who has cleverly rigged nearly fifty hand-grenades to explode simultaneously by the removal of just one safety pin. I know this as he has removed the pin and handed it to me. Very clever design Cornell, very poor execution.

Well, that about wraps it up gentlemen, feel free to join me in a very large explosion. I see your hand up Barton and I know what you are going to ask. The answer is “No, this will not be on the test.”

What’s that Davis? No, sorry, our colleagues wont be able to send your body to your wife. She will be able to sift through the wreckage and pick a few blood stained bricks as souvenirs though.

Thank you all gentlemen, the pleasure has been all mine – just not today.