Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Ok ladies and gentlemen, you are a large audience so Id just ask you to all be quiet or I will have trouble connecting with your loved ones on the other side who have crossed over.

Spirits can get quite finicky about that sort of thing, they really don’t like it when they get ignored.

Ah, here we go, I'm getting somebody now … for you sir in the back row. Yes, its your wife. She is showing me something. It looks like she is holding up her middle finger. Now she’s saying something. Its, “Please tell everyone in the audience and on TV that my former husband has a small penis.”

Do you know what she means by that sir? No? Yes, its definitely a message for you sir, not the man behind you.

Oh wait she wants to tell me something else. Aha. She says the woman with you is a prostitute. No, not you madam, I think she is referring to the lady with the low cut dress on the other side of him.

Oh. She also wants you to know that you will win lotto tomorrow. Oh, and that you wont have time to spend it because those lumps and red sores you have been hiding are in fact syphilis.

Ahem. Well, I think we best move on.

Here we go, I'm getting something. It’s a message for another man, the one in the yellow shirt. Its your mother. She wants you to stop masturbating so often.

Right. I see the spirits are being quite definitive today. Is there anyone there in the spirit world who has something nice to say?

Yes? Great. It’s a message for you sir, the elderly gentlemen. Its also from your late wife.

Really? You were married fifty years. Wow.

Anyway sir, your wife wants you to know that she is happy. What’s that? Oh, she wants to add, “Now that she longer has to cook and clean for a fat, lazy, smelly husband who wouldn’t know a G-spot even if it was located on a Television Remote.”

Er, how about a message for a female audience member?

Are, Jack would like to pass on a message to the prostitute, er lady, in the low cut dress. He wants to ask … “how much?” Thank you Jack, please don’t come back.

Time for one last message. Ok, this one is for the lady in the front row. Its from a lady spirit. A very attractive spirit if you don’t mind me saying so. She says she is the one inhabiting your house.

Yes, it would seem that your house is haunted, Miss.

The lady spirit wants you to know that your dog wasn’t accidentally run over by your husband. She wants you to know that she threw the dog in front of the car while he was reversing it. She says he had no way of knowing and that it wasn’t his fault. She also has no regrets because the dog was flatulent, never stopped barking and always used to dig up the beautiful flowers in your garden.

Anyway, the lady spirit wants you to know that the dog is with her in the afterlife and that she is tormenting it daily for revenge. Apparently its some sort of karma thing, works for animals as well.

The lady spirit wants you to know that she feels your pain and sees how you mourn the dog. Oh, and she also wants you to know that she understands how much you miss your husband.

Wait. I'm getting a feeling that he has passed too. Some sort of accident was it? It was.

The lady spirit is back. She wants you to know that your husband is safe and happy. She also wants you to know that he has found a new love. Her in fact. The spirit wants you to know that she and your husband make passionate love several times a day.

The spirit wants you to know something else. Yes, ok, I’ll repeat it. She wants you to know that, “Don’t fret as you too will soon find passionate love every day, just as soon as the police look under the new pagoda where they will find your husband’s body after you killed him for running over your stupid dog.”
There you go, a message of hope. A prison romance is on the way! That must make you happy, Miss?

You are not gay, you say. Oh well, might be time to consider it.

And that’s all the time we have, until next show, ladies and gentlemen, goodnight and don’t let the bed spirits bite!