Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

To: The Managing Director, Great Aussie BBQ Company

Dear Sir/Madam,

Please excuse my handwriting and that I am writing in charcoal. I am writing to complain about your product, the Great Aussie BBQ (“Little Ripper” model).

Notwithstanding possibly the worst set of instructions since the time I tried to make that imported Chinese penis enlarger (which incidentally resulted in very expensive and painful reattachment surgery), I completed the construction of the product as required in just 18 hours.

That was bad enough however the real problem I am complaining about relates to the operation of your product.

In my opinion, the BBQ could hardly be accused of cooking the food evenly as some parts of the BBQ become much hotter than others.

By way of example, I currently have in my mouth/nose two sausages, one of which is extremely over cooked and another that is basically raw. As for the leg of lamb, I can tell merely by the feel of it between my buttocks that it is also under cooked.

I will explain why the leg of lamb is in that particular location in just a minute but before doing so I would like to point out a few other design flaws in the product for you to get the entire picture.

Firstly, the roasting hood is not nearly made from a thick enough piece of metal. It has bent terribly out of shape with just one use of the BBQ! It now makes a rather unappealing hat.

Secondly, the grill itself could not be considered to be of sufficient quality. While it has proven to be rust proof to date, this is scarcely compensation considering parts of the grill have melted. Other parts have broken off entirely. I know this as many of those parts are now embedded in my body.

Thirdly, there is clearly a design fault in the way the burners ignite. I spent three hours turning my food and wondering what that horrible gaseous smell was before I realised that the burners had either not ignited or had ignited and then gone out.

Nevertheless, these design faults pale in comparison by the obvious features the product lacks. Wheels, for example. The BBQ is very heavy and without wheels it is almost impossible to move with just one person. Ironically, I found I was able to rather dramatically move the product when the burners finally did ignite.

This brings me to the obvious feature lacking on the product – a parachute. I really am concerned that when the BBQ does eventually fall back to earth it will do considerable damage to whatever it hits.

The same however cannot be said for me as while I do weigh over 80 kilograms I doubt I will make the same impact. I am not denying that I won’t make a dent or could cause bodily harm should somebody be unlucky enough to be underneath me when I too return to earth, it’s just that at the moment I look destined to “land” on or about the German replica-helmet factory.

This is not something I look forward to at all. In fact, I rather wish I was wearing a parachute myself.

Were that the case, I am fairly sure that my good doctors would be able to graft some skin back and stop the bleeding. They may even be able to attach some fake eyebrows, if only to restore some dignity. I am pretty sure they could even remove the leg of lamb.

Nevertheless, I do feel that this predicament is principally your fault given the poor design and operation of your product. If I were married, Id instruct my widow to sue you for all you are worth.

As however I am a single man and given the leg of lamb and impending German helmets introduction, I just wish to say that Sir/Madam, you are a bastard and may you one day purchase and use your own Little Ripper BBQ as I have done.

Yours in transit
Dissatisfied Customer.

P.S. Don’t you dare name any skewers, marinades or lamb recipes in remembrance of me!