Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

I do like to climb mountains. In fact, my friends call me many things but occasionally they use the term mountaineer.

You will no doubt have heard rather a lot about the so-called unwritten law of mountain climbing through the infamous
Touching the Void story.

For those of you who haven’t, may you plea bargain your way out of Guantanamo. By the way, if you need a lawyer …

Anyway, basically it goes like this – if you become injured such that saving you poses an unacceptable risk to me, then you are on your own. This includes me cutting the rope and you falling to your probably death down the mountain/into a crevice.

It’s a very subjective law.

Only I get to decide what an unacceptable risk to me is. It’s a problem you see as it really can be a lot of fun watching “things” tumble down a mountainside. Makes a great spectacle.

Now I'm not saying that I would deliberately cut a rope just to watch that but in the thirteen times I've had to cut my partner free because of an unacceptable risk to myself almost all of those would have been very amusing to watch had someone not lost their life. My partners’ falls were certainly spellbinding to watch.

I know the forensic investigators said that one of my partners looked like he had experienced at least two rather large falls but like I told them, it was only because I had to cut him free the second time when dragging him all over Everest presented me with an unacceptable risk. That they said he was unlikely to have suffered any major injuries in the first fall is irrelevant. Now.

Nowadays I have to find climbing partners on the internet in the hope they don’t know my unfortunate track record of thirteen "cut aways". Two more and I will probably have to give the game away.

Nevertheless, there are actually a number of other unwritten laws in mountaineering less well publicised. Fifteen in fact. Most of them are just my laws but I take a very dim view on any of my climbing partners breaking them.

The first of these is never break wind inside the tent. I don’t care how cold it is outside, make the effort. Besides, frostbite is occasionally treatable.

Another related law is never build the latrine too close to camp. The winds often swirl around and can change direction quickly. Unfortunately, one of my earlier partners made that mistake and I now know why they say the wind is howling. It must be able to smell as well.

Whether we decide to push on if the weather may pose an unacceptable risk is another law. If in doubt, it’s best not to say anything and keep going. No-one likes to be tied to a person who is nagging all the time. Note to the wise, they may just get cut away.

A simple law is anyone heavier than me goes in front. An addendum to that one is don’t question the fact that it looks like I am laying on a comfy sled. It only seem as though you are dragging me. Its probably just altitude sickness.

Of course, I am the one who reaches the summit first. Regardless of the facts.

Another law is, don’t look at me like that.

Yet another law, perhaps the most important, is never touch my knife.

I won’t bore you with the others as you probably get the point. Oh how I love mountaineering, almost as much helping people bungee jump …