Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Not so long ago I did some landscaping at my place. Well, to be technically correct, all that I did was fill that very large hole in our front lawn with some free landfill.

Truth is, the hole is only the consequence of what we now know to be an “unfortunate” accident. Just in case you were wondering, tequila, lawnmowers and fireworks don’t mix.

Anyway, you wouldn’t believe the stuff that goes into landfill these days. It sure filled the hole but the only thing that would grow was this scraggly bush that soon caught fire but was not burnt by the flames. A bit strange I thought. That and the fact that it kept talking to me. Kept telling me to take my sandals off.

Anyway, it was a pretty bad fire hazard so I had the local fire brigade put it out and I dug under it to see what the story was. Anyway, you’ll never believe what was buried in my front lawn. Really.

It was the Ark of the Covenant. The Ark of the Covenant. Not a fake one, like that one I bought from Fast Frankie up at the pub. Turns out that one was just a broken old freezer.

Anyway, for those of you whose don’t know, the Ark of the Covenant is where God put the original Ten Commandments. He also put some pickled onions, lip balm and a note that says “Dan Brown is a wanker!” I know because I've looked inside.

It’s a bit tricky doing that because the Ark seems to have this rather awesome destructive power. It sort of zaps anyone that gets near. Having visitors has become difficult although this is not without its own reward. For example, I have “lost” six mailmen, two Mormons and a girl scout.

I am not exactly sure why it doesn’t kill me but I think it has something to do with wearing rubber sole shoes. Nothing but rubber soled shoes. Grrrrrrowl.

In fact, the Ark is the original Weapon of Mass Destruction. I've already had George Bush call me to say he was going to invade if I didn’t get rid of it. Well, I told him “that as a member of the New Zealand rugby team we don’t like Americans and that he might as well just invade me here in New Zealand because I wasn’t going to do what he says!”

Unfortunately, knowing my luck, George will invade The Netherlands.

Anyway, back to the Ark, I'm not sure what to do with it. Most of my mates reckon I should melt it down and sell the gold but I had a bad experience last time I did that. I didn’t make that much money and it was my father after all. Plus, most of his fillings were in fact fool’s gold.

Besides, the Ark is quite a striking piece. It must be - I keep banging my head on it whenever I walk past it. But, more importantly, I have discovered that the way the two cherubim are placed on top of it are just perfectly positioned for opening bottles. Talk about having the best beer bottle opener ever!

I had also noticed that if you put food in the Ark it comes out well cooked in just seconds. It also chills wine instantly as well.

The only problem is that whenever you open the lid, apart from the lightening bolts, is the voice of … Him. Still, I've got the hang of it now and I know just when to slam the lid shut.

We use it for party games now: I shout “Complete this sentence!” and lift the lid. God says “Thou shalt not …”, I slam the lid shut and whoever’s turn it is has to come up with something. You know, something like “be sober” or “prematurely ejaculate” or “sell your Qantas shares”.

Boy how we laugh!

Might as well laugh now I suppose as I get the sense that God is getting a bit jacked off with the game. It’s the tone in his voice that is the main giveaway. It’s just a good thing he is so merciful eh?