Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Har and yo ho me hearties!

Line up you scabious dogs and listen to what I have to say.

First of all, it has come to my attention that some of you are wearing mascara on your eyes. I am sorry, we are not up for that sort of thing on this ship, I don’t care how cool you think Johnny Depp looks. Anyone found wearing mascara, or make-up of any kind, will be forced to walk the plank. If you are into effeminate stuff like that then you should have joined the navy.

Next, speedos, sluggoes and any other form of swimming trunks do not form part of a standard pirate uniform. I know it gets hot but for heaven’s sake how many times have I told you we forsake comfort for style on this ship. Anyone found wearing speedos, unless they are showering with their crew mates and are feeling a bit shy, will be forced to walk the plank.

That reminds me, whoever put that note in the suggestion box asking for room service to be provided for on this ship will be keelhauled. Right after I find the person who came up with the idea of a suggestion box.

Now, some of you have been asking me why it is that this particular pirate ship does not have any sails. It’s because we don’t have any masts you mangy idiots. Don’t ask stupid questions.

Speaking of which, I want to know who it was that smuggled a CD player on board. I am going to assume that it was the same person who taught “YMCA” by the Village People to the rest of the crew. I'm looking in your direction Julian. The Indian Headdress is a bit of a giveaway.

Ok men, I know it’s been quite some time since our last score but today will be different. My sources tell me that a ship has left port laden with bounty so if we can take her then we’ll all be rich men. It’s not going to be an easy task because she’s well armed and the crew are seasoned sailors.

But you miserable bunch of miscreants are perfect for the job. Besides, I hear she is carrying passengers so we should be able take her in the confusion.

I won’t lie to you. I'm just as hungry as you are. I know how long it’s been since the snack bar ran out of goodies. If things keep heading this way then we may have to try to eat the only food remaining, chiko rolls. They can’t be any worse than all the commuters we ate. Hardly any meat at all on them, especially the bankers. Turns out they really were full of sh..

Still, we have the element of surprise tonight. The crew on the sunset Buffet Cruise will never suspect us. We’ll wait until they lay anchor, just before they serve dinner and sneak up on them. Besides, if they see us coming they’ll just think it’s another dodgy Manly Ferry driver. This time however I will be even drunker than normal!

I know we suffered terrible losses when we tried to take on that boat up near lane covet but how was I to know that they were competing in the Head of the River Rowing Regatta? Those long oars of theirs really did pack a wallop eh? Still, we now hold the Guinness Book of Records for the most dwarves on a pirate ship!

Ok men, put down those beers and get ready. I just hope those mail order buccaneer swords come in soon, I'm sick of using these bread knives. Yes I know they have a serrated edge but it just doesn’t look right. Same goes for the thongs. It’s not my fault they sent use women’s boots. Mind you, they looked good on Julian.

You ho my hearties! Start the engines, cast off the ropes and away we go!

What’s that? Oh ok, if you must. They do make great caramel lattes don’t they, can you grab me one while you are at it? Just hurry up will you, this Manly Ferry is supposed to leave by 5.30!

Har!