Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

I continue to be amused, in the royal sense, by all this tripe in the news about obesity, particularly childhood obesity. Ironically, if these same people ate tripe instead of fries more often then perhaps we wouldn’t have an obesity problem.

The simple fact is, no matter how much bleating there is from the do-gooders or the sheep about to be eaten, this problem will not go away with words.

Short of compulsory euthanasia for fat people, which I am on favour of, the problem is here to stay. Forever. Well, at least until the fat people begin to “decay” in their graves that is.

“What sort of coffin would you like Madam?”
“Super-size me!”

So clearly it is time for us to adopt a British resigned to the facts attitude. We need to find meaningful uses for fat people other than inane reality television programs such as the Biggest Glutton … er I mean Ignoramus … er Loser.

Sumo for example. It’s a very popular sport in Japan, why not here? Its top practitioners go on to fame, fortune and to marry skinny models who are never heard of again. It is unclear whether they are eaten or simply disappear in a fat crevice but either way it solves two problems at the same time.

The best thing about Sumo is, kids can play as well! Its not very physically demanding, the ring they fight in is only 4.5 metres diameter for heaven’s sake – that’s probably less than the distance from the couch to most people’s fridge. In fact, the only thing demanding is the concrete reinforcing required to support the floor and the crane to get the fatties back on their flabby feet again.

We may need to improve the dress rules a bit as the Japanese sumo are somehow more appealing in those funny Speedos that have chopsticks on them than the though of a semi-naked porker from Rooty Hill.

If Sumo is too exhausting then there are lots of other uses for fat people.

Politicians, for example. When they have served their time we can send them as ambassadors to Italy.

What about bus and taxi drivers? In that profession, obesity is a prerequisite while the English language, or the ability to drive for that matter, is not. In fact, the only other thing you need is a putrid body-odour which luckily most fat people have the ability to do naturally.

In fact, there are lots of uses for obese people that we just haven’t explored yet. How about landfill? If we played our cards right, we could build a mountain taller than Everest by stacking the chubby on top of each other. They could even do it lying down. Why, we could have a ski resort like no other in the world!

What about the war in Iraq? If we were to drop a few fat people on them – sort of like the opposite of smart bombing – then the insurgents would soon give up. I ask you, who in their right mind would want to be hit by a falling Magda Szubanski, 52 virgins in the afterlife or not?

So enough rubbish about curing the incurable obesity epidemic. We have a better chance of making Pauline Hanson intelligent! Lets just move on and make better use of fat people. I for one am looking forward to the day when human foie gras is readily available on every menu in this great country!