Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

My goodness, you are awake! I suppose the doctors have told you that you have been in a coma for twenty years? Oh … good.

Now I don’t care what you’ve been told, its going to be almost as much of shock for you as it has been for me.

First of all, I really want to thank you for signing up to life insurance policy that allowed a payout in case of a coma. I just wish I had been able to get access to it in the first fifteen years. Nevertheless, you can see by my new breasts that I spent the money wisely. After all, I needed a way to secure an income for myself after all that money I spent on what others call a “failed music career”.

Well, it was either that or sell the French Chateau but I just didn’t have the heart to turf out my three young toy boys. Oops, did I just say that? What I meant was gardener, pool cleaner and general handyman. He used to just be a handyman but I promoted him after he showed me all the things he was capable of.

By the way, that young man over there is your son. Yes the blonde standing next to his sister, your daughter. Lovely aren’t they? I know he doesn’t look a day over 10 but that’s just a terrible disease he has. Same for his younger sister. Plus she has that unfortunate skin pigmentation that makes her look almost African American. Well, yes, extremely African American.

Well honey, a lot has changed in the world since you went into a coma. Its been tough, especially the early years before the money came. Given you used to be in the East German Secret Police, when the Berlin Wall came down back in 1989 we were forced to flee.

It wasn’t easy either, dragging you around. That’s why you no longer have legs. I just had to ditch them to make you a bit lighter. I'm sorry darling but we all had to make sacrifices.

Trouble was I fled to Iraq which was then invaded twice. That place has had more foreigners on her than Paris. No darling, not the city, I’ll explain later.

Well, we got by but it was tough. I was able make do by buying weapons from the United States. But when the second invasion happened, I was forced to flee again.

The trouble is, we had no money so I was forced to sell body parts to raise enough money for the boat trip. Don’t look so worried, they weren’t my body parts. But now that I think about it, we better not celebrate your awakening with champagne. You no longer have a liver or kidneys. Incidentally, I think the eye patch looks quite sexy on you. They wanted the other eye as well but I was able to bargain them down to your ears instead.

Anyway, we made it here and they have looked after you ever since. I know it looks like one of your old German Interrogation centres but its not like that at all. Its much worse.

My residency application was finally approved by the Australian government so I've been able to make do, in luxury. You on the other hand may have to stay here a while longer, not least of all until they remove the stitches from your mouth. Sorry about that dear, it was just something I did in protest of our treatment.

One last thing you need to know before I go. I had to sell sexual favours in order to get out of here. Once you can talk again you might want to have a chat to Nigel and Jason over there. They are quite nice prison guards once you get to know them. Anyway, I just thought I should tell you because you and them have been very close if you get my drift.

That’s enough for now darling, I’ll fill you in on the more troubling details what you’ve had to endure in the last few years when you are a bit stronger.

Bye Darling.