Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

Dear Sir,

WITHOUT PREJUDICE

I represent your former employee, Nicholas [name withheld], who you dismissed from his position as Pyrotechnic Assistant last week.

It is our position that my client was unfairly dismissed from your organisation and we seek immediate reinstatement as soon as he is released from the Burn’s Ward at St Vincent’s Hospital.

In your Statement of Dismissal, written on his bandages at the hospital, you claim several reasons behind your decision to dismiss my client. We would like to refute these.

Firstly, you claim that my client was responsible for several wanton acts of cruelty against animals. My client does not deny this however maintains that you instructions to him “to fashion some fireworks that looks like cats exploding” were not clear. My client maintains that his fireworks display looked EXACTLY like cats exploding.

Similarly, you claim that my client endangered the general public in a recent fireworks display. My client maintains that only did you buy him the 17 beers beforehand but that you also encouraged him to do so. My client claims that your exact words were “I’ll bet you cant hit that [expletive deleted] aircraft from here!” My client would also like to point out that indeed he could not. That he was able to hit a Manly Ferry, while unfortunate, was nevertheless a direct result of your instructions.

You also claim that my client is responsible for the damage to the Harbour Bridge also suffered in that recent fireworks display. My client maintains that it was not his fault that the aircraft took evasive measures and lost control.

In your Statement you claim that my client failed in his duties in the purchase of fireworks. My client maintains that not only did he save you a considerable amount on the purchase of the same but that it was widely reported that the deployment of the fireworks was one of the most spectacular ever seen in this country. The fact that the fireworks turned out to be surplus army stock anti-tank missiles is largely irrelevant.

My client would also like to point out that he has saved your company a great deal of money in the form of lower employee expenses, namely those employees who were the victim of his practical jokes, may they rest in peace. My client would like to point out that at the time you laughed so hard that some of the beer you consumed came out your nose.

My client also maintains that he has saved you a great deal by his efficient reduction of your inventories of unused fireworks. My client would like to point out that those inventories were well insured and that it was you who thought it would be a good idea to “light cigars in the shed out the back”.

My client feels that the essence behind your Statement of Dismissal relates to the unfortunate incident with your wife. My client maintains that had she not survived the explosion then you would have indeed promoted him as you promised. The fact that your wife dragged my client into her car and began making passionate making love to him is irrelevant in terms of his dismissal, other than by establishing his whereabouts at the time of the explosion.

We look forward to your reply.