Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

There can be little confusion that meditation is good for you. At worst, its probably not bad for you. Its hard to ask for more than that.

You do need to be sure you are not confused that you are doing meditation, not masturbation. The two are often confused.

Fact is, if you are not mediating then you are being left behind in the metaphysical race for peace and harmony. All the noted great minds and wonderful people of the world meditate.

Yes, all of them. Name one famous person and you need only look at them to see whether they have succeeded in life by meditating. The likes of Oprah, Travolta, Osama, Paris, Michael Jackson and “Chopper” Read were all well-known meditators. If only people like Ghandi and Hitler had followed their lead!

That said, meditation can be a wonderful experience, a truly majestic way to being some balance to your life. You’ll feel better and live longer. You can also walk with that indignant, self-righteous bearing that being truly self-indulgent brings.

Mediation is very simple. Too many people complicate it to the point when they are incapable of mediating unless they are wearing a silk robe and have incense, candles, Buddhist trinkets and a new age CD with dolphins playing in the background.

That might be all well and good for Rugby League players but its just not necessary for the rest of us.

Fact is, all you need to do is sit somewhere comfortably, slow your breathing and quieten the “monkey mind”. The “monkey mind” is what Buddhists call it when you have thoughts rushing in and out of your mind – sort of what it would be like if Stephen Hawking was a blonde woman.

For the record, the monkey mind is not that desire to jump about naked and unshaved, eat bananas and attempt to have sex with other like minded individuals. I know this now and I just hope the judge will take that into consideration during sentencing.

The other thing you can do while meditating is to try and focus on a particular thought or ideal to gain spiritual insight. Focus on that one thought and see what divine insight the universe “gifts” unto you.

Don’t be too put off if you don’t see results happening right away. The fact is, you may simply be an unenlightened being and the universe inst going to bless yo with anything other than a miserable, soul crushing life. Well, at least you tried, pass the chips.

Just for the record, if you are reading this and thinking “Who cares, I already meditate”? Well, certain things do not qualify as mediation and they include:

1. Sleeping,
2. Watching television, even American and/or reality television,
3. Daydreaming,
4. Being inebriated or “high”,
5. Listening to any form of music that has an electric guitar, even if you are not dancing,
6. Having a spa treatment of any kind,
7. Thinking of someone else during sex,
8. Scratching that tinea between your toes (even if it feels better than meditation),
9. Being at church (even if it feels worse than meditation), and
10. That “quiet” moment when you are desperately trying to think of something to say after having been asked a (difficult) question, especially by an officer of the law, even if “um” sounds like “aum”.

Go now and think on this.