Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Well thank you ladies and gentlemen for that tumultuous laughter. So much better than before, I appreciate the effort.

Now, as you know, this is not the first time I've ever tried stand-up comedy but it is certainly the first time I've had such wonderful laughs from an audience. I really think that is due to my new approach, what do you think?

Oh, no need to applaud and laugh just then ladies and gentlemen but I appreciate the thought.

Anyone here from Canada? Oh good there is. Not any more. I always disliked Canadians, they always have such a large chip on their shoulder.

Now, as I was saying, its tough doing stand-up. Comedy is such a personal thing. Like wine, I suppose. Its just a good thing that huge bouncer at the club likes Cabernet or I might not have been allowed entry after my earlier attempt at stand-up. I always find the chocolate character of Cabernet masks rather well the taste of strychnine, don’t you? Well, the bouncer did anyway.

Oh thank you for laughing again ladies and Gentlemen, so very kind of you. Well, will you look at that! This young audience member had tears running down her face. I never knew I was so funny!

That heckler wasn’t very funny though, if you ask me. I'm very lucky he was still here after my earlier attempt at stand-up. But just look at him now ladies and gentlemen - hilarious if you ask me. What do you think?

So nice of you to laugh audience, you really are a good crowd.

The funny hat with the cow horns really does it wouldn’t you say? I reckon all hecklers should wear funny hats so we can tell who they are when they shout out such rude things. Of course, I reckon all hecklers should have their heads put on spikes. What do you say ladies and gentlemen?

Such a rousing response, thank you everyone. I just happen to have a small spike here with me in my backpack. Its just a good thing that heckler laughed his head off eh ladies and gentlemen? With a little help from my machete of course!

Oh thank you ladies and gentlemen for your laughter, its quite convincing. This young man here has laughed so much he … shall we say …has “wet” himself. That’s so very kind of you. No need to fall to your knees mate, if you keep laughing then I'm sure you’ll enjoy the night a lot more than those other people over there. Yes, the ones lying motionless.

I had a very tough childhood ladies and gentlemen.

Stop laughing! That wasn’t a joke! That’s better. I told you before, you laugh when I raise my right hand – the one with the microphone in it. The machine gun is in my left hand.

Oh, I hear the sirens ladies and gentlemen, that must mean my time on stage is coming to a close.

That’s wonderful people, excellent laughter!

Now one more thing, Id really like to leave to a standing ovation. Of course, that only applies for those of you still alive and/or able to stand. Those of you over there, yes the ones without arms, need not applaud. I really do hope you've learnt not to throw things at the people on stage though.

Time to go. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been a wonderful audience.