Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

While I can see the potential benefits of stem cell research, especially for curing ugly diseases like cancer and reality television, its only a matter of time before we have some interesting side effects.

Think it through - after scientists have finished fixing mankind’s ailments, they will turn their mind to genetic modification.

Lets improve people’s senses! We’ll research the stem cells of animals and then produce tablets and/or enemas for any number of genetic improvements.

Sir, would you your eyesight improved one thousand fold, much improved hearing and a vastly better sense of smell?

Please, take these eagle and canine tablets.

Sound good doesn’t it?

Well, not when you spend an inordinate amount of time on top of your TV aerial spying on your neighbours who live three blocks away or feeling an uncontrollable urge to sniff other people’s backsides when you first meet them!

Try explaining to the police why it is you keep going to the toilet on your neighbour’s front lawn or why you are shagging his dog!

“What am I doing with this Schnauzer, Officer? Well, yes, actually it is what it looks like. Sorry, she’s on heat.”

Now I know what you are thinking, all sounds far fetched, so to speak. But you have to realise that when it comes to stem cell research we are dealing with scientists.

Scientists are people who think lab coats and pocket protectors are cool. These are people who think that rats are for dissecting not hiding in the back of your mate’s fridge. These are people who, when referring to a “Bunsen burner”, never say “burn my bum some” just for a laugh.

Scientists are also people with an overpowering sense of curiosity. They often say to themselves , “I wonder what would happen if …” and then go on to discover something amazing. Then of course they take it a step too far.

“Hmm, maybe now that I've discovered how to split an atom I’ll be able to create an awesome energy source. I suppose it could be used to harm people but what are the chances of that?”

Normal people only say, “I wonder what would happen if …” when they are drunk. Sure, they often go on to discover what seems to be amazing at the time but with the benefit of hindsight (and being sober) soon realise that it wasn’t all that amazing after all.

For example, I have discovered man cannot fly. I have also discovered that ten pairs of socks when tied together will neither act like a bungee nor hold the weight of a man. Similarly, I have found that Jehovah’s’ Witnesses no longer visit my place since we threw one off the balcony and yet the police do/did.

Incidentally, we made all such discoveries pretty much simultaneously.

Nevertheless, its only a matter of time before some lab-coat wearing stem cell researching scientists wonders, “What if” and starts experimenting. It shouldn’t be hard to work out which scientist is misbehaving, all we need do is look for the male scientist with the perky personality of a beagle and a penis as big as a horse’s. I am of course assuming female scientists will be researching stuff that is either worthwhile or has some likelihood of being used in the real world.

Mark my words people, stem cell research is just the beginning. Sure, soon we will all have amazing abilities but the side effects will be devastating. It wont be long before there is an awful race of talent less misfits who are nothing but a throw back from science experiments gone wrong.

Sort of like politicians and New Zealanders. Do we really want to risk that?