Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

Dear Tax Man,

I am writing to contest the raft of deductions you disallowed in my recent tax refund. You have failed to recognise that these were legitimate deductions for expenses incurred in pursuit of my business activity.

Firstly, you disallowed the purchase of my state of the art surround sound home entertainment system. Admittedly this is located in my chalet at the snow but it is only ever used to watch shows such as House, Grey’s Anatomy and CSI. Such drama can be very useful when it comes to understanding many of the medical dilemmas I face as a Podiatrist.

Similarly, you have denied the expense of my regular subscription to high-quality imported pornographic DVDs. This is most unfair as I use the videos solely (no pun intended) to study human anatomy. If you look closer the next time you watch one of these movies you will notice that most of the performers have bare feet, hence the legitimacy of the deduction.

I find the rejection for my weekly spa treatments most unfair. Obviously these visits are only used to discuss current developments with like minded professionals, especially those that give pedicures. It would be unfair of me to merely get a pedicure without repaying the medical research I glean by the facial, seaweed body wrap and Vichy shower I have also claimed.

This leads me to your denial of my purchase of golf clubs and membership at the exclusive country club named in my refund statement. I ask you what do golf, tennis and standing at the bar all have in common (other than the company of my fellow medical professionals)? The answer is obviously the use of your feet. Could this be any more definitively the study of human dynamics and motion with specific attention to mankind’s lowest appendages?

Incidentally, I believe I am close to a breakthrough on why it is many people fall down after consuming too much alcohol. Ironically, it may have nothing to do with their feet after all.

Again, the denial of my purchase of a Lamborghini as a legitimate deduction makes no sense. Clearly I am researching the effects of not using one’s feet. Specifically, the link between not using your feet with a Lamborghini and having intercourse with weak minded females despite me being exceedingly ugly.

To that end, my first class around the world airfares demonstrate nothing more than my dedication to my medical field by a detailed study of the possibility of getting Deep Vein Thrombosis in the feet. For your information and no doubt relief, the chances of getting DVT in your feet is extremely unlikely due to the absence of susceptible “deep” veins in that part of the body.

I also highly recommend the Chablis with the Lobster.

Lastly, I dispute the rejection of my claim for a deduction for the liposuction, breast implants and face-lift for my wife. Admittedly she is only eighteen but without the surgeries listed I would not be able to bear being close to her. This because she frequently has extremely smelly feet, the thought of which, as a podiatrist, makes her rather unattractive.

I am sure you will agree that the costs incurred in transforming her pale in comparison to the alternative, namely another divorce. Need I point out that you allowed my previous two divorces as legitimate deductions on the basis that both of the women involved only divorced me because they discovered me in a compromising position other women.

As previously mentioned, said divorces were legitimate tax deductions as my former wives failed to recognise that I was only performing a unique medical treatment on the women concerned. That we were naked and the women were prostitutes was irrelevant. I truly was hoping to curl the toes of said patients with excitement.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully
Alf Hoot