Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Well ok everyone, dog training class is about to begin. Shall we get started?

Now, first things first, has everyone got their dogs with them? I see that you don’t Mr Woo. The way that you are ogling the other animals in this class leads me to believe that you have given into your traditional Korean upbringing and eaten your dog. That and the fact that you have its tail sticking out of your mouth. This is the third time I’ve had to speak to you about this Mr Woo. Please don’t come back again, “But it’s a delicacy” or not.

Mrs Patterson, I see you are having a hard time controlling your Great Dane. Might I point out that you really do need to be firm with him, not the other way around, as we can all plainly see. Id also like to point out that most dogs only hump their owners legs. This is what comes of letting him sleep in your bed. That and wearing a short skirt without underwear.

Now Id just like to recap some of our commands. Mr Dobbs, before we get started in your case I recommend that you use a command other than “sit”. After all, your speech impediment is rather well pronounced, unlike your words. For example you “s” sounds like “sh”. Unfortunately, given your dog is very intelligent that makes for a very poor combination. He is only doing what you told him. Would you mind cleaning that up?

Yes, yes, very funny Mr Axel. I think we’ve all heard your “My dog likes children” quite enough times. Please have him let the child go. To hospital.

Please quieten down your dog, Ms Bligh. I am sure I speak for the rest of the class when I say that we are quite sick of your dog’s incessant barking. As you can see, he only barks when you kick him like that. Please desist.

On a brighter note, I see that you have cured your dog’s barking problem, Mr Marsden. I told you that a collar that gives him an electric shock whenever he barks would do the trick. Of course, you may have turned the electric charge up just a bit too high. Especially given your dog is now dead. You are going to find walking him on a lead rather tiresome this way.

Now Mr Simpkins for the past three weeks I have instructed you very clearly that you cannot bring your dog in such a condition to class. I’m talking about the smell, Mr Simpkins. I have warned you that many dogs find rolling in something that stinks very appealing and little Buster there is obviously one of them.

This week, I have taken the liberty of surreptitiously checking your dog before class and again discovered the same putrid smell as the previous week. I am very sorry Mr Simpkins but in future you will have to leave Buster at home. Might I suggest you wash your son occasionally. I apologise for previously blaming the smell on your dog, Rex.

Would those of you who brought a cat instead of a dog to class please take it home. I’m looking in your direction Mr Slater. I don’t care if your next-door neighbour's cat is always “crapping on your lawn” that is not an excuse to bring it to a dog training class. That, and the fact you have covered it in pig’s blood suggest to me that perhaps you might enjoy the off-lead session a bit too much for my, or the RSPCA’s, liking.

Just one last thing before we get started everyone, you attach the collar to your dog’s neck. I don’t care if you bought a collar considerably too small or that you are going through a very bitter divorce Mrs Smith, there is no excuse for where you have attached the collar to your dog, Jack. I’m not denying that you have a very obedient dog but you wont find that training technique in any reputable training manual.

Lastly, Mr and Mrs Peters, you are in the wrong place. The S&M class is next door. Nice choke chain though.