Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Sit down, relax, Mr and Mrs Hawkinson. I know its intimidating having a priest such as myself coming around for a visit to determine whether your son is worthy of being baptised in my church. Just try to be yourselves.

Actually, I didn’t mean for you to remove your pants Mr Hawkinson. We only require that when we interview potential altar boys.

Now I am sure you are aware that our beloved Pope has declared that all other religions are “defective”. As a consequence, my superiors have been quite prescriptive in terms of what we will and wont allow in terms of admittance to our church.

Let me first say that it’s a good thing that your son isn’t black or he would have had no chance.

At the moment we are still baptising girls but I suspect that window of opportunity will close soon so if you are thinking of having another one you might want to hop to it, eh?

Of course, being celibate myself, I have no real idea of whether “hopping” is involved. I read somewhere than one of you hops on top of the other, which strikes me as a little odd, but then God works in mysterious ways they say.

Now I am pleased to say that your son meets the appropriate Aryan skull size and shape criteria so that’s a plus for you. I like the way you’ve tattooed “not to be touched until after marriage” on the boy’s private parts. Its also good that he is allergic to latex.

I am a bit worried about the size of your boy’s “special parts” though, that could lead him astray later in life. If we agree to baptise him you will need to ensure rigorous beatings throughout his childhood to keep his confidence low.

Now that leads me to the boy’s guilt complex. Thankfully I can see that by the number of times you have both been to confession and by the way you are wringing your hands that you have sufficient guilty consciences to pass on to your child.

That reminds me Mrs Hawkinson, you still owe me two Hail Mary’s for having impure thoughts about the mailman. Mr Hawkinson, you owe twenty Hail Mary’s for the same crime.

One last thing before I agree to baptise your son. Do you mind if we discuss the size of your offerings? Under the latest Papal plans, we have several excellent contracts available, some of which have monthly instalment options. We have also added credit card and BPay facilities.

As one of the richest institutions on this earth, not to mention some of the sexual abuse claims we’ve had to settle, we will be looking for a significantly higher offering from you both. You might want to do away with sponsoring those children in Africa to free up some extra cash.

Oh incidentally, I notice you have some New Age, non-denominational wall-hangings offering adages about love, peace and harmony. Would you mind taking them down please, I find them offensive given they have not been approved by the Papacy.

Well, that will be all for now. If you could just sign here.

Yes, I know its your cheque book that you are signing. Weren’t you paying attention earlier when I mentioned our faith being so wealthy? Plus, only we get to go to Heaven!