Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

I really want to thank you for the lovely birthday gifts you gave me.

Michael, thanks for the boat. I’m not sure you should have given me such a beautiful present as this dinghy. It sits so wonderfully in the water doesn’t it, even in the huge waves we first tested it? I discovered that it wouldn’t sink even when completely swamped, although I did have to bail water out for 27 hours until the seas abated.

I wouldn’t normally make a comment like this but given its such a gorgeous dinghy, do you think yo could speak to the retailer and ask whether it was meant to come with oars?

Jenny, thank you so much for the fishing rod, reel and tackle. Obviously you rarely go fishing or you would have known that it needed fishing line as well. Oh how we all laughed when we realised after you gave it to me!

David, thank you for the hip flask. I don’t think I have ever seen a bigger one. Why, I’ll bet you could put two gallons of whiskey in it if you wanted to. Funnily enough, you could also put two gallons of fresh water in it also I suspect. Its just a shame that there isn’t any. Well, there is plenty of sea water to put in it but then you cant drink sea water now can you?!

Lastly, I love these handcuffs you gave me John. It might be considered a bit kinky to give another man a pair of handcuffs but we are both heterosexual so I got the point. They are so realistic that without the key its nigh on impossible to get out of them, even if only one arm is locked in them and the other end attached to the dinghy.

It’s a pity you forgot to give me the key as well eh? I’m sure that was just an innocent oversight, even if it did look like you threw it into the ocean from where I was sitting. The eyes can play tricks on a man, especially with the tears I had welled up in mine as you sailed away in my 48 foot yacht and left me in the dinghy. My that was funny wasn’t it? Ah, so much laughter from you all!

That said, it really was lucky that I was such a “fat bastard” as you all said, even though I know it was in jest. Just look at me now, you see, I lost all those excess kilograms bailing water and otherwise languishing in the dinghy for days, dying of thirst. That meant I was able to slip my wrist out of the handcuffs eventually.

I suppose that might be hard for you to all understand my joy at that. After all, you are all so exasperatingly thin.

Anyway, I was found that with two free arms I was able to paddle in a forward direction, rather than in circles. That is how I found my way to that deserted island and eventual rescue, some three years later.

Again, I really loved those gifts, people. You are such thoughtful business partners, even after all that money we made together you still kept your sincerity.

That is why, despite the years, it really was the least that I could do to return the favour by buying those same gifts for you. Mind you, it took quite a while for me (and my hired mercenaries of course) to track you all down so that I could give them to you.

But now, as I stand here back on my 48 foot yacht watching you enjoy those same gifts in these terribly dangerous seas just as I did, I knew all those years of waiting for this moment were worth it.

All the very best my friends. As they say, “you really shouldn’t have!”