Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

I am a great believer in the power of the mind.

Not just because the world needs more bent spoons. Although, bent spoons are great fun at a party. Its hilarious watching people try and use them to get their food. We used the power of the mind to bend some other implements until someone put out the eye of the person next to them with a fork.

Sorry about that, Mum. Still, the eye patch looks good. Much better than the fake thing you have to wear from cutting your own nose off.

The power of the mind is so much more than that. People can overcome great illnesses with will power.

Some people can even lose weight. Of course, they tend to lose a great deal less weight than the amount of extra fat being put on by those who watch them on TV.

Nevertheless, some of the greatest moments in history have been directly attributable to the power of the mind. Man walking on the moon for example. What incredible will power from all those people who actually convinced themselves that it happened.

What about Weapons of Mass Destruction? My sources tell me it took 7000 of the greatest US thinkers to come up with that excuse to get some oil. Um, I mean free Iraq.

Mind you, 7000 of the greatest US thinkers is equivalent to the mind power of a well trained New Zealand sheepdog.

Nevertheless, I have been spending many, many hours intensely concentrating by myself. The goal is to achieve enlightenment. Failing that, I'm aiming for a strong feeling of intoxication. Especially since the money ran out and our house is drier than something without any moisture in it.

Nevertheless, it seems to be working as I do feel a bit tipsy and many of the people near me are starting to appear more interesting. The gentlemen in white coats are very friendly too. When I am not using the power of the mind to make myself drunk I am imagining that they are just huge kernels of popcorn.

I haven’t perfected that yet. At least not judging by the scream one kernel made when I bit it.

The major problem I am facing is that others are using their willpower against me, to stop me from achieving my goals as it were. Every time I get into a deep trance I look over and see my wife burning holes into me with the power of her mind, a.k.a. a “derisory stare”.

She can use her mind to say things like “Mow the goddamn lawn!” or “At least put on some underwear, will you?” without even moving her lips.

I however am strong and will never this stop me. Never I say!

Ahem. Well, must go. I feel the power of my mind telling me to get dressed and mow the lawn.

Incredible thing the power of the mind. Amazing.