Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Sit down the lot of you and listen up, its time we got a few things straight!

For a start, we are a “football” not a “soccer” team. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that. I know it’s confusing but the best way to remember is that most of the people that play our game are too poor to wear any socks, hence we don’t use “sock” as in “soccer”.

That is why our sport is so popular. You don’t even need shoes to play it. Lest of all an education. That’s the way we want it of course, do you think the legions of our fans would watch football if they knew of the alternatives?

Rule number 1. Now this is important. If any opposition player’s foot gets within half a meter – that’s 50cm – of your body please remember to drop to the ground and writhe in agony. I have told you before, it doesn’t matter whether it actually makes contact with you or hurts or not. That is what the fans come to see. Do you want them to go home unhappy by feeling less masculine than us? Not even your female fans want that! Both of them.

For all you attackers, if the opposition get too close inside their penalty box, please make sure you dive as high into the air as possible before you hit the ground in pain.

Seriously, last week some of you suffered some of the most horrendous impacts I've ever seen to your shins and not one of you even so much as grimaced. Please don’t throw away hundreds of years of tradition just because you think it’s unmanly. I've told you all before, if people wanted to see men playing sport then they wouldn’t watch football!

Rule number 2. Please stop scoring so many goals. One or two a match is fine but three? What are you thinking? The fans didn’t come to see goals scored. It ruins their whole day. If you keep scoring so many goals people will forget what the real purpose of our game is – penalty shoot-outs.

Oh that reminds me, when you do score a goal will you please stop walking modestly back to the centre line, limiting your celebration to the occasional shaking of hands. This is football people. Nobody wants to see that.

Why do you think we limit the number of goals? So people can look forward to new and exciting forms of celebrations. Taking off your shirt, funky dances, running or mincing away from your team-mates, fondling each other in a homosexual way– these are all acceptable forms of celebration. Come on people, like I told you before, just do what you do in the Mardi Gras parades.

Rule number 3. For the defenders, please remember your sole function is not to contest the ball. When the opposition decides to bring the ball near you please just stand on the spot and raise your arm as high into the air as possible. Please, do it like we practised. Don’t forget to yell “offside” as well.

Rule number 4. People, you will remember that when you all tried out for this sport only one of you was capable of catching a ball. That is why we put him in a different shirt to yours and gave him gloves so he wouldn’t damage his fingernail polish. He is called the goalie. Please remember that only he is allowed to pick up the ball.

I know that privately many of you have attempting the sensation of using more than just the basic skill set required to kick a ball. Please leave that to those better suited to you – the goalie. Oh, and every other sportsperson on the planet.

Rule number 5. Attitude. I'm sick of your attitude. In that last game, not one ref’s call was disputed by physical intimidation and screaming in their face, not one linesman was glared at and not one player complained after the game about the officials, “lack or respect”, being robbed or anything of that nature.

What the hell is going on? Don’t you understand what football is all about? It’s not about goals and winning. It’s about drama! For goodness sake people, football supporters would have nothing in their lives if it wasn’t for us so the least you could do is fill the void with some passion and controversy.

That’s another thing, some of you are still wearing the same haircuts, make-up and jewellery from the week before. Please remember to spice it up a bit for the fans, fans don’t want to see the same rubbish week in and week out – they get that from the game itself.

Oh, one last thing, some of you have been seen dating women who are not being described by the press as “vacuous”. Please desist.

Now get into the showers! Its time to start practice for next week’s big game.